All I want for Christmas..

We were packing to leave for Malacca. It was 10.30pm and I was going to hit the deck for I'll be driving tomorrow when Dad's phone rang.

'We are outside the house!' the voice said. It was Auntie Ranee with Uncle David and my 2 cousins - right there at out doorstep. They were around for a short while and soon after left

Anyway, Dad waved them goodbye at the porch while the rest 3 of us just waved our goodbyes from the door. In my defense, it was late!

Just as the car pulled away, the unthinkable happened! I saw Dad bang his leg against the corner stone. Thumbled. I felt myself catch my breath when I saw Dad moved forward loss control of his footing. My heart was too scared to see the fall and my hears wanted to shut the bang. But there was no bang! Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw Dad standing.

Mom shouted praises 'coz if he had fallen, well I don't want to think about it. I've witnessed it many times this year. I don't plan to relive it - my heart won't take it again. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Pat sitepa - I know you will always pray for your best friend!

Thinking now - I realised something. I'm scared. I'm afraid that people I love might be taken away from me. I'm afraid to do the same thing that has led to tragedies. I just want to confess certain things here, Lord :

1. I'm afraid to drive tomorrow.
Jessica drove to Penang last year when Pat sitepa was sick and was about to undergo a major
surgery. I'm driving this year and Dad is gonna undergo a cataract surgery.

2. I'm afraid to check my parents.
I checked my Uncle. Did physical examination on him and he passed away. I'm afraid to check
Dad - afraid I might find things I can't handle.

3. I'm afraid to be too happy.
I love laughing but recently, I laugh heartily then all of a sudden, I get scared and stop. All the
that had happened would rewind and I begin faking my laughs.

I'm afraid Lord, that if I don't change things, the past might repeat itself. Lord, Your coming is suppose to give hope to the mankind that everything has been taken cared of. That You are gonna take away all the pain, all the fear, all the failures, all the sadness. Lord, You know that I love You right? Then, you should know how much a girl loves her dad. 'Coz You are my PAPA. Lord, please take care of Dad. I might look tough and self-sufficient sometimes but You know my heart more than anyone in this world. And You know that my heart is filled with more fear than it used to. I don't mind if I don't get any gift this year or I'll all my presents and offer them to Yoy but promise me that You will take care of my loved ones. That is all I want for Christmas..

Waving our final goodbyes..

I remember being 12 – I’ve just successfully augmented my primary school status and I was going to a prestigious school when the new semester re-opened. I remember that new year’s eve..

It was a tradition for my family to celebrate new year in church – grandma said we should start of the new year with GOD in our life and the year will be blest. But that was a special year – Earth was moving into her new century..

The whole world was worried as to whether at-that-time-not-so-sophisticated computer were able to make the transition from 1999 to 2000 – including my parents – Mom was worried whether her computer were able to recover her insurance clients’ details while Dad was worried whether his virtual blueprints would still be there when he returned to work..I guess everyone in church that day were only physically in church while their minds were wandering off about the respective work..

Not me!! I was there physically and mentally – I remember talking to PAPA..'Where will I be in 10 years time? What would I be doing? How will my life be?’ If I knew then the things I know now, I wouldn’t have asked that question..

I wish I could tell that 12 year-old Jessmine not to think about the future and live in the present..

Today, I received a sad news (again..). My granduncle passed away in Kuantan. When Mom broke the news to me, I went silent. Suddenly, the memories came streaming in. I remember that he used to visit us often. I remember playing London Bridge with him. I remember teasing him for his androgenic male baldness and he me for the 2 empty spaces where my tooth used to be – my tooth grew, can’t say the same for him though. I remember him asking Lin and me to call him London tata..I remember..

I guess I’m glad that he left us memories for us to remember him..

Adventure..

Have you ever felt as if you were made for something bigger – as if there is an adventure out there with you name on it – as if with one turn, your life is gonna take a different route? Some 200 years ago, this wise dude came up with the Existential Theory which states that – perceived void in existence and living is the central concept of chronic anxiety. Basically, what he was trying to say is that – we need to taste freedom and thrill in order to live, or we will feel like a cuckoo bird keyed up in a cage!

I reflect on my orderly scheduled, routine life now and I know that there has got to be more to life. There is more to just studying; more to chasing time; more to completing your assignments! There has got to be more to life! I want to be part of Amazing Race..or want to climb the highest mountain..or want to backpack through the historical cities and discover new people, new story, new experience..

Maybe I'm trying to live in my Disney movies where Princessess meet Princes and they go on a wild magical journey but seriously..if you come to think of it..GOD didn't make us to get all stressed and burnt out right!? I wish I can stumble upon my adventure one day..Maybe waiting for it is half the advneture on its own..

SMILE =)

When we were young, my sister used to enjoy watching National Geographic Channel..She enjoyed staring at animals - don't ask me why!? She is weird! Haha..anyways, I was forced to watch the same channel 'coz if I even so as to think about changing the channel, she will bring the roof down!

Anyways, one day, there was a documentary - this group of scientist (I think they were running out of ideas of what they should research on!) tried to analyse the link between a person's smile and their future..

Their hypothesis went something like this - those with a genuine smile will live a happier life compared to those who don't. It was really interesting..their subjects were high school students from 1950s..They analysed the students' smile based on their yearbook picture and traced each and everyone of them to investigate as to how their lives were..

True enough, those who were genuinely smiling back in the 1950s yearbook picture lead a happier life - INTERESTING RIGHT!!

I was listening to the Charlie Chaplin song, Smile, yesterday and this documentary came to mind..So, just smile even when your life looks bleak and useless..I want to share this beautiful song..

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you Smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

What defines me??

This year, I’ve lost everything that has ever meant something to me. I remember this line by Blue which sang “it is funny how life can change, can flip 180 within a matter of days”. Truth is, life is like a rail-road – if derail even an inch, life’s train may course to the other end of the world.
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.



But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.


When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..

Don't LEAD her on!!

I love seeing the good things in people no matter how ugly they are but what breaks my heart are the things man are capable of doing..

I used to think that GOD was really mean when He brought about the Great Flood - when only Noah and his ark's contents survived but thinking back..GOD did the right thing! I can't stand seeing the bad things man are capable of doing anymore..its really heart-wrecking..

I've only been away from KL for 6 weeks and everything is in a mess!! I learnt something really startling that I find hard to digest..

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER DON'T LEAD HER ON!!

I find it that some guys enjoy giving hope to girls..leading them on to believe that they have feelings for their innocent victims! When the girls have fallen for them - they prey on their victims..taking advantage of them in every way possible..

These people just stained my respect for them..I'm extremely careful when choosing friends but I just realised how wrong my jugdement's for people can be..I gave her the go-no go and I'm responsible for what happened to her!

How careful should I be some more?? Why should people be so cruel?? My heart hurts looking at these perverts!! Why LORD!? I feel as if everything has been a lie..LORD, I don't know how to take care of people anymore..Please don't let me give up hope in people, LORD..

SeCrEtS..

When someone entrusts you with a secret, its like giving others the keys to your house. That person has full access to your information and your interior but does that give that person the right to enter YOUR house without YOUR permission??

I understand that there are things we hide from each other from time to time. Some small some collossal..But at some point of time, when we can take it no more, we find refuge in those around us to keep our hidden agendas..An intimate thought, a sweet private message, unacceptable actions - things we want to keep private, we reveal them to people we 'presumably' trust.

What I loathe most is distrust! Some people claim that they told others because they were forced too! So, let me ask you this..Did they put a sword around your neck and unless you tell them they will slaughter your head?? Did they plot a scheme to banish you from your country?? Did they drug you into a state of hynotism that you blurted out everything unconsciously??

Everyone is given a choice..No one is forced to do anything..If you are not capable to keeping the smallest of secrets..let alone Pentagon crisis!! Secret keeping is beautiful cause it brings people closer..to share a bond..Don't ruin it for others..Because of people of you, others refuse to share anything with anyone..and that is just plain sad..Cause they might be keeping a secret they can't keep and not telling it to others might just throw them over the edge..

Sometimes, I wish it is re-spelled as SeCrEtS cause it takes longer time to encrypt then to just blurted it out as secrets!

IT..

It was a trend during primary school for me to change my pencil box every year. They were of different colours, different sizes different designs..in short, no two pencil boxes were the same – wow, now when i think about it, i think the pencil boxes would call me the play girl of pencil boxes! Its a joke! Please laugh! Haha

Then, when i was in standard 5, my parents decided to ‘upgrade’ my pencil box status to a larger size..i mean since i was gonna go to secondary school in a few years and would have to carry more stuff to school. So, they got me a rectangular broad-based, doubled layer Minnie Mouse pencil box..and I LOVED IT SOOOO MUCH!! Of all the four years possessing different pencil boxes, i knew that this pencil box was different..deep down in my heart, i knew that IT was special..

Childish as this may seem, I remember slowly uttering this to IT, “I’ll never let anything happen to you – not a scratch shall befall you, no one would be allowed to open you without my supervision..” (Of course, when I was young, due to limitation in my vocabulary – i simplified and said – no one can touch you except me or ill kill them!!)

And, this Minnie Mouse pencil box took care of me as well..Whenever my day was horrible – afraid that the teacher was gonna scold me for not completing my homework – one look at IT and i would feel happy again. Nothing could make me feel alone since i had my trustful companion beside me!

Then, one day, as i was busy hunting down students who had books way past their library due date, my friend, without my knowledge opened IT and borrowed a pen. Due to her negligence, she dropped IT and IT came crushing down like humpty dumpty, with a gigantic dent on IT’s surface!

I came back to my class and i could see the fearful face of that girl just watching my every move. When my hands touched IT, i knew something had happened. I quickly brought IT out and saw the defect on my-once-perfect IT. Emotions mingled within me and i could feel tears strolling down my cheeks – i was more saddened of the thought that my IT wasn’t the same anymore rather than angry over the perpetrator. My heart crashed to the ground. I remember being extremely quiet that day – no playing after school – instead continued my water works in the back seat of the bus. The rest of 1998, i treated IT the same – i made sure i took extra care when opening IT and sprinkled IT with perfume and kept IT in my collection of pencil boxes till today.

I think – for me to remember this story after so long meant that there was a lesson i was to learn from IT. When you gamble caring for something too much, there are chances that IT might get dented along the way. My challenge would be to not view IT any differently but to continue taking care of IT come whatever. Everyone and everything is flawed, hope im able to look pass that flaw..LORD, help me..

Its a MIRACLE!!

Today was one of those days when I was sulking into self-pity..aish don't ask! Anyway, as I was walking towards ORL department for a 11.30, I recalled the fateful Saturday when my life seemed really bleak..and I told myself that my problems were nothing to what I had been through in the past..'I had paddled through the ferocious storm and survived, I can do this!' I consoled..

Suddenly, his image projected in my mind..I saw him smiling back to me..I could hear him greeting me but I knew he was no more..Then, images of that Saturday flashed like an eerie nightmare..I fastened my pace trying to concentrate on walking instead of thinking of the past..What is done is done..There was nothing I could do anymore..Just got to live with it!!

5 minutes - just in time before the Lecturer closed the door behind me..I took my place in the second row and prepared my mind for another eventless day with potential tragedy awaiting me..I was getting comfortable in my seat when I saw him..and I could feel my face curving into a smile..

I saw my Uncle!! The lecturer looked exactly like him!! His height, his skin colour, his moustache - he even had a sense of humour just like him!! Yes, Prof. Shahid looked like he was wearing a wig but the image just stunned me!!

I knew it was PAPA's funny way cheering me up but HE did it..It really made my day..A tear almost trickled down my cheeks but I refrained..I realised that I don't only see my uncle in those who are sick and helpless but also in those around me who are not in despair..Wanted to tell my parents but I'm afraid it might stir up water-works..I'll keep this to myself..I'm not at home where I can visit him often but I know that if I miss him..I can always visit him in ORL department..

Fatty Died(T.T)

Fatty Fatty Bom Bom,
Curi Curi Jagung..
I'll miss you Fatty..

Half empty, Half FULL

I never understood the idiom : See the cup as half full..
I mean if the cup contains milk (and I HATE milk) I would wish it was half empty right? On the other hand, if it was filled it luscious hot chocolate - hmm, now that's a different story! I would like to see my cup as full and savour every single drop of that chocolate-y flavour..Well, you get the picture..See-ing the cup as half full means to see the good side of things, people or a situation..

Before I made this revelation (about the half full, half empty thing), the Priest told a very interesting story..Mind you, I heard this story when I was in Form 4 and it is still engraved in my mind..Everytime I feel down, I listen this story replay-ing in my mind..

He said,

There was once a married couple who had twin sons. Though they looked the same, their attitudes were at world's ends. The elder son was very pessismistic - he always grumbles and sees the flaws in everything. The younger was totally different - an absolute optimist. Realising this, the parents decided to try 'level'-ing their sons attitude - to make one less pessismistic and make the other less optimistic.
So, for the boys 7th birthday, the parents both them different presents..

First, they brought the eldest son to the barn and gave him a horse. The boy grunted and said 'A horse! But I will have to clean up when he poops! Why are you giving me such a big responsibility on my birthday!?'

They, then brought the younger son to then barn and presented him a poop. The young one said 'A horse's poop!! YEAH!! If there is a horse's poop, there would be a horse somewhere around here!! Thank you Mummy! Thank you Daddy!! I couldn't have asked for anything more!'

Moral of the story is that, we can choose to see a difficulty any way we want to. No matter how big a problem comes, there is always an end to it - we just have to hang on and push forward till we arrive at the end of the road. No matter what happens, I'm gonna try to savour every single drop of that chocolate milk of mine and cherish every single memory of it. GOD bless=)

Trying my BEST..

Priest gave a sermon last Saturday on being different..a topic I've had had with a close friend recently..

Priest said about being different..
taking a stand in everything you say and do..
being firm in your principles..
to keep your head held high when others mock you..

Then, later that Saturday, I watched this advertisement on Cancer and how we could make a difference..

We always talk about how we can change the world with a small gesture of kindness..gesture to make a difference..but should we not change ourselves before changing the world??

I know that I'm not perfect and I will always make mistake..but 1 thing I can help about my weakness is that I can try to be perfect and should never settle anything less..

So, I want to change..People say if you make mistake once, you can be forgiven, but if you repeat your mistake, you a are fool..

I've lost many battles in my life - battles which I thought I can fight another time but each time, the battle changes..the strategies change..but not this time..I might lose again but then again - I might just win..

I've lost many people in my life due to my lack of fighting - that is something I want to change..a change I want to adopt to becoming a better person.

This time, I'm gonna mends things with people close to me - I'll try my best to be a good person and I'm sorry for all the things I may have done unknowingly but I'll try to be on my best behavior..If I feel as though that someone is straying away, I try to struggle and pull them back..

PAPA, I'll try..

The Road LESS Travelled

At one point in life,
you reach at a cross road,
not knowing which to take;
the road everyone has travelled
or the road no one DARES to travel.

If you take that which has been trampled on many times
the path has been carved for you
the remnants of footsteps of those who went before you
marks on trees for you to recognise
and a short-cut to your destination

But if you take the road less travelled -
there is no guarantee you will arrive safely
high possibility of you losing your way
and deviating far from your route
you will probably reach your destination much later
Is it worth it??

Would you not like to experience things on your own?
to get the feel of being a pioneer?
to be the first to taste the sweet taste of victory
-without the need for a support?
to carve a path for others to follow?
to be original and not to fall onto others' shadows?

Its trivial how we love taking the easy way out
but is the easy way really worth the walk

its like driving around a beautiful forest
when you should walk and experience the beauty of nature she offers..

its like injecting nutrition into your veins
when you're able to eat and tickle your taste buds..

its like you are living for the sake of living
not to accept the lessons Life is willing to offer..

Humble or BE Humbled

Father told during sermont that we all need to be humble..there is a parable which emphasises on humility and how one can be honoured by others by being humble..Father Robert said that when we are young, we have lots to offer - many dreams, many ideas with tremendous amount of energy to carry out our projects..

But as we age, our thinking becomes less 'modern' and we have less energy to carry out what we plan and have to depend on others to go by. This is when we become humble..We need others to carry out our plans..We rely on others to continue being in position..

Though only 23, I have already felt this..Some time ago, I was leading an organisation and when I stepped down, I had to allow the 'younger generation' to take over and I retired to simple 'odd jobs'. Maybe my expectations were too much..

Recently, the organisation organised an event but did not bother to invite the 'elders' - not only me but everyone who was once leaders of the organisation..That was absolutely devastating..Suddenly, everything that I thought were huts of shelter -seems to have been occupied by mean occupants who are chasing us out into the rain..

LORD, help me cope with everything that is going on..I'm not sure how much tougher you want me to be..but my shelter is being taken away from me and I have no where to hide..I come as me..please don't leave me LORD 'coz without YOU, I'm not sure where to go..

One at a Time

Learning to
live one day at a time
take one step at a time
carve one smile one at a time
move one brick at a time
chase one dream at a time
look in one direction at a time
take care of one person at a time
bring pieces back one at a time
make pieces fit one at a time
change one person at a time

But most importantly, trying to
do all these without losing myself at the same time =)

Double-Guessing

I was reading an article in the church bulletin today..it talks about how we have grown to dissociate our social life from our prayer life..its like when we are in church, we are angels..but the moment we step out of church we take out our mask and turn into devils!

It was a new view for me..thinking like this..but I know that I fall in this category..well, these few weeks at least..

The other day, a friend asked me..'How come your HO so nice to you?'
And I bluntly answered..'Maybe its because I'm a girl and I have assets that others yearn to possess..He can superficially look, I don't mind as long as I have the advantage of learning from him!'

Hearing this, another friend called me a B to the Itch..sorry, I don't like to pronounce the word! When he said that, I felt one kind..I remember my sister calling me a slut for talking to guys and that really pissed me off..but that is because, I know that I will never gain bargain sexual favours for my advantage..

Of course I did not offer anything when my HO voluntarily decided to teach me but the thought of me letting people look at my asset was not something I use to tolerate..I feel awkward when people stare at my girls - disgusted even! But to think that I'm loosening my tight leash kinda scares me..

What am I turning into?? I thought I was getting better after all that has happened..Could there be a fraction of me that might have died during these2 months?? Could I possibly be the same Jessmine that I was before or am I evolving into a new Jessmine?? If I am evolving, will I be comfortable with this new person?? Or will I be doubting my decision every time I make one??

Father said that we are the decisions we make..Will I be able to accept the decision and consequently accept myself?? Because at the moment, I don't know who I am..I don't remember how to be me..I just remember being happy..hopefully, I find myself soon before its too late..

Under Higher Magnification=)

I had a very 'deep' talk with a close friend..He asked me as to whether two people who are very much in love with each other MUST end up with each other..can two people not be together despite everything - in short, does it necessarily have to be a happy ending..

I think, not necessarily..When loving someone, you don't expect anything from the other person..You love them unconditionally - irrespective as to whether they return the love or not..if say, you love someone because that person loves you, what happens then, if he/she stops loving you?? Will you be able to discontinue your feelings there and then?? So, when you learn to love someone no matter what..come whatever, let it be rain or shine, you'll always love him/her..To me, it always come to that..and if it doesn't work out, he/she leaves a tattoo in your heart..a tattoo that has a scar but at the same time, brings back memories as to how you got it in the first place..

But, I realised one thing as I spoke this..I realised that with time and determination, you can slowly let him/her go..I'm in such situation and I found it very hard to cope with such situation..the fear that i might mess something up; the fear that i'll fall for him more than i already have; the fear that i will not be able to get over it..

It took me really long..i've ben telling myself that i'll forget him and pretend all this as a bad joke - but every time i tried, something stopped me..but after all these time, i suddenly was able to let him go..it hurt a bit in the beginning but it felt comparatively mild and i was able to cope..

I found this excessively strange but letting go is what i'm doing and letting go i shall=)

Repenting

I'm sorry PAPA for slashing out on YOU like that the other day but I was really very sad..

When YOU took away Pat Sitepa from us..I felt as if YOU took away my dad..My prayer is very systematic..
Pray for :
1. family - mummy, daddy, Lin, Amachi, Merlin sinema, PAT SITEPA, Jessica, Jeaneta, Janus,...
2. Lync, Aisoon & me - that we'll be good doctors..
3. sick people - PAT SITEPA, Aisoon's grandma, Shi Long, Fr. Thomas
Follow this sequence everyday so that I won't forget anyone in the process..

YOU know how close my dad & mum is to Pat Sitepa..My dad calls him EVERYDAY!! needs to talk to Pat Sitepa every time..need to know whether he feels alright all the time! So, when you took Pat Sitepa..I felt different..'coz my auntie, mum & dad have done so much so that he will
live a long life but..

Aish..my cousins are in a real mess but Jessica kept holding my hand..she didn't want to let me go..they need me now..probably, in 5 years time, they still might not be able to get over time..

but, PAPA, YOU won't let us down right?? i know that YOU took Pat Sitepa 'coz YOU want to put him out of his misery..YOU can't stand seeing YOUR precious son suffer and YOU want him to have an everlasting life..so, YOU took him away..I'm sorry for being very selfish but we did love him..we still do..

i don't UNDERSTAND!

i don't understand LORD..why did you keep our spirits up when YOU are gonna crush them like this..we had so much hope in YOU..even when everything looks like they are falling apart, we came to YOU and asked for YOUR mercy..we thought YOU won't let us down..

Pat Sitepa was always faithful to YOU..he never did anything that YOU don't approve off..So, why LORD?? why YOU have to do this?? Didn't we pray to YOU enough?? Even my youngest cousin knelt before YOU in prayer every time she comes back from school?? i thought YOU love YOUR children..so, how come YOU let us down like this LORD??

Every time i try look at the positive side of this..YOU challenge us even more..how are we to continue like this LORD?? don't YOU know how much we love YOU?? I'm very disappointed in YOU, PAPA..and very angry..and very sad..

on that Saturday, we read about YOU curing the leper & healing the sick boy..we were so confident that YOU are gonna bring Pat Sitepa out alive LORD..So, what happened?? did YOU just suddenly decided not to help him because YOU can?? why LORD??

Precious words..

Looking at my auntie cry over the guy she loves so much made me wonder & wonder..

"How can you see someone you love so much suffer? Will my heart be able to take it if I saw the person I love in the same situation?"

When he was in the ICU, I accompanied my auntie in and this was what she told him..
'Honey, I don't know if you can hear me but I need to tell you this.. I really love you..and you have been my best friend all these years. I'm sorry for all the times I've scolded you but darling I love you very much..I hope I've done my best in taking care of you - You have been a very good husband to me and a very good daddy to our kids..'

At first, I told myself not to cry but when she said that - I couldn't stop crying!
Now I think about it..I have a fear in me that I might love someone like that & to watch him get even a scratch would leave me vulnerable let alone death..I mean to love your family is mandatory 'coz you grew up with them but when you meet someone foreign & spend the rest of your life with him..and love him that much..a total foreigner whom you call your own..

I remember when she came out..she said to my mom - I wish I was single, that way, I would not have loved this man so much & would be happily living my life..Aish..Pat Sitepa, how is she gonna get through the day without you??

To PAT Sitepa..

I still not exactly myself to write anything here..I feel very distant like a zombie walking around..I make people smile but I'm not sure if I'm smiling..Now, that my uncle in gone, I want to make sure my cousins are alright..so I tried to crack stupid jokes..Jeanie laughed heartily but Jessica is still refusing to smile..I won't stop till she smiles..

Anyway, I just feel that he is resting well now..

Pat sitepa,

You have suffered enough..I know you are worried about Merlin Sinema, Jessica, Jeaneta & Janus..I know that though they are able to smile, they are still grieving inside..But, don't worry - I told Jo, Sha, Mims & Jason and all of us will take care of them..We are cousins after all..and most importantly, we are family..We promised each other and we will keep our promise Pat sitepa..
But, we hope that you will continue guiding them..

Jessica is taking over your place - she needs your guidance;
Jeaneta miss talking to you - talk to her everyday & help her keep her sanity;
Janus wants to be the person you were - guide him so that he will be able to walk in your footsteps..

I can feel the peace in my heart and I know that you are happy where you are..you are free from all the sufferings that you have been through this past 1 year..I can still hear you voice sitepa..when I called to wish you happy birthday..haha! We spoke about your voice, you know! Amachi said you could have been a deejay!! Anyway, take care sitepa..love you..

The line between truth & lie..

Does lying make you a bad person??
Does telling the truth make you a good person??
But what if, the truth brings pain??
What if, the lie brings comfort??
What if, the reason you are lying is to protect the person you are lying to??

Yesterday, while visiting Uncle Pat, I answered my auntie's phone..it was my cousin who is studying abroad..she is studying Medicine,too, & asked me as to how her father was..I told her that he is alright & that he was just a bit tired..Today, Uncle entered into ICU..i'm not sure how to answer Jeaneta..

i'm not justifying that what i did was correct..i could have told her that her father was sick, anemic, suffering from a possible infection & GVHD..but, would i have made the situation better or would i have made it worse?? She was about to sit for her finals & would be back in 2 days time..

aish..everytime my auntie asks me whether he is going to be ok..i'll try to explain the pathophysiology of his condition - i find that it gives her comfort..it gives her hope..hope that my uncle will come out of this..faith that he is gonna lead a long and healthy life..

So, if you lie to make someone feel happy..is that acceptable?? i feel as if the line which distinguishes good from evil has been blurred..i'm not sure i have the correct ounces of sanity to know what is right & what is wrong anymore..

PAPA, restore us - my UNCLE, my AUNTIE, my parents, my family, our sanity, our happiness..WE have entrusted everything into your hands..Sometimes, we pretend to be clever but that only makes us look more of a fool. LORD, YOU alone know how much pain this family has been through and yet we still look up to YOU for YOUR help..LORD, don't look at our sins but look at the faith these children have in YOU..Please, shed YOUR Mercy on my family..AMEN..

My youngest cousin..

The other my family had a gathering & it made me realise just how lame we can get..I used to wonder as to how I'm very 'gila-gila' kind..then, I found it! My family IS like that! From my grandma to my youngest cousin! haha..

We have a tradition lar..da elder ones will bully the younger ones..bully as in play2 lar..

And, I WAS THE ELDEST!! haha!! So, I have a 'duty' to tease the younger ones..

My youngest cousin is 7 and she has just begun schooling..The 1st half of the school term, she was attending the afternoon session..so, the next half term, her school is in the morning session..haha..this is hilarious! 'coz she wakes up around 11am everyday! And to wake her up anytime earlier than that would require a miracle..

Haha..so, I told her..'Jenna, u r gonna attend morning school o..Can you wake up?? If you can't, Daddy is gonna drive you to school in your pyjamas o..how?'

Jenna insisted that she will wake up early & will bot be caught in her pyjamas roaming around in school..the truth is, my cousins made a bet that she is gonna skip her 1st day of school - coz she can't wake up early..

I LOST MY BET!! Jenna, apparently, didn't sleep the whole night..worried that she will have to go to school in her pyjamas!! hahaha!!

On the bright side, this 'responsible' cousin succeeded to wake Jenna up for school - or rather succeeded in not allowing her to sleep!! muahahahha!!!

PAPA, we need you..

I suddenly feel as though there is a big pit in my heart..a fear that lingers during this month of June. Truthfully, I'm June-a-phobic..I'm terrified by this month due to past experience..

This year..i thought it was going to be different..a change in the direction of wind, perhaps? but i'm wrong..the wind is blowing at the same-bloody-direction!

Last year, my uncle was diagnosed of having leukemia -- it came as a big shock to my family -- i still remember the way my mum wailed & i saw my dad cry for the 1st time..these are scenes i would like to erase but memories like these are stuck with you forever..i've never seen my dad cry..even for my grandma's funeral, he was very calm..and to see such a well-composed man cry -- that was really frightening!

My uncle entered da ICU ward and was in a critical condition but thank God he came out of it..my mom would bring food for my auntie (who refused to go home, as she wanted to take care of my uncle) everyday & i would drive her..one day, when my uncle was in ICU, suddenly da Dr. told us that his condition was deteriorating! Can you imagine your father, husband and friend is in such a state and you are helpless!? i hate that feeling..i still remember that Monday..i remember the way my auntie cried..the way my uncle said he wanted to see the priest! aish! if there was 1 day i would like 2 erase out of my life..that day would be it! 'coz everytime i tink of it..i cry!!

The after-effects of that incident was very torturing as well! Upon return to campus, i was still worrying about my family back home..everyday, i would hide and cry but somehow manage to keep it from my friends..but at point, i could take it no more! i burst out in church still i refused to talk about it..a friend who realised i was not 'myself' made me spill my guts out!! that time i cried and cried till my heart felt at peace..

Now, the once peaceful heart has been stirred again..my uncle underwent bone-marrow transplant & has to attend weekly check-ups but recently, the dr discovered ulcers in the stomach..so he has to be admitted to determine the cause of the ulcer..was it due 2 the procedure or of a different cause..

Everything was fine today, till my cousin came..she was very disturbed at work..she couldn't concentrate & i saw her crying..you know i'm a sucker when i see people cry..esp. ppl close to me..n i need not say that Jessica was very close..seeing her cry over the possible harm her father might be in..it just shook me..worst thing is..im so helpless..i can't do anything other than cry..

i feel like such a pathetic being! there is nothing i can do! but i just hope..everything will be fine..that my uncle will survive through it & that i can hear my family laughing without worrying about my uncle again..i just wish everything will be alright PAPA..please don't let go of my family..we really need you now more than ever! T.T

U6S Gathering..

Yesterday, we had our class gathering..its an annual thing & everyone was excited to see each other so 'grown-up'..haha..So, ytd we were reminiscing all the things we used to do in class that made us us..then, I want to try something new..Write out 1 characteristic of each of my classmate that reminds me of them! This ought to be fun!!

Li Shan - puts Colin Firth's pic in her Math T book to neutralize her feelings for Mdm. TCT!
Kit Nyin - had to put up with Li Shan's nonsense & was forced into the Para gang!
FLY - was madly in love with Zidane then unexpectedly changed her taste to Superman
making her to automatically hold the Pres. post of Para gang!
Jing Wen - extremely gentle - our role-model 4 lady-like personality
Elaine - we 'love' the smell of drain..thats why we sit at the same place ALL the TIME!!
Huey Fen - our PERMAISURI!!
Ci Min - no one knew she could speak so loud till the Merdeka DRAMA!! walao!!
Puei Teen - she is the fairest of all!
Kang Teng- I couldn't see the teacher thanx to him! LOL..its just a joke yah!!
Kin Hou - my pocket gets dry because of him!! haha..our x-bendahari..
KP Chen - look like a small child wearing his daddy's tuxedo..haha
Qi Hua - she corrected Mdm. TCT's answer u know!! don't play play!!
Yan Ying - who knew such a small child could have that much energy!?
See Jie - loves her sudoku..don't mess with her when she is playing or else..
Allan - small immature lil' kid..haha..i rmbr us revising for our Piano theory exam..
Zhi Heng - drives us to Maths tuition in his van..
PCS - unofficial librarian..
Jen Yaw - pretty boy..
Yi Ming - how to improve my creativity??
Han Yuan - silent 38-er
Beh - Mr. Perasan..
Yih Shen - AGUNG!!
Wern Jyet- the octopus..i still don't know why we called him that..remind me 2 ask this!
Jia Ken - our physics companion..
Lup Wai - i rmbr he said he want to be the guy who jaga the train because it is an easy life..
Chern Hong - loves his game!
Dickson - Mr. Muscle!!
Wai Xin - the gentleman in our class..

I arranged according to our class seats ah..so, don't kecil hati!! haha!! Old sweet memories..

REGRETS=(

Regrets..
I wish I had studied harder
I wish I was more popular
I wish I had explored some talent..
We all have regrets
but how long do we keep them at heart?

Do we whine the whole week and try making things better
or do replay it o'er & o'er again so that it can miraculously alter the past?
Would you not rather spend time fixing your mess
than to waste more of your time making the same mistake?

Whats the point of looking back when you have your future in front of you
will your past change if you regret what you have done?
or will you get back the time you have wasted when regretting?
So, why waste precious time on useless gestures?
Does a runner run with his head looking backwards?
No, he looks ahead for any obstacle..
Should we not do the same??

I HATE it when people show any sign of regret..
GET OVER IT!!
if you have done a mess,
clean it up!
don't expect you tears to mop the floor for you..
If you don't want to regret later in life,
make wise decisions..
Don't simply jump to conclusions!!

Sometimes, I wonder..
am I a regret??
If I am, I'm sorry..
'coz I never saw you as a regret..
until now..

Who holds 2mr??

Grouping for 4th year just came out & I don't have any close friends with me in group 6..its feels like I'm starting all over again - its like entering a new school; or stepping into a party where you don't know anyone!

Reminiscing back - this is how my 3 years in USM has been..not exactly smooth (has been quite bumpy actually) but I always seem to survive!

When I was in my 1st year, I was extremely close to Viwa - I hardly spoke Tamil so that kinda distanced me from the Indian society but thanks to Viwa, I was close to them. Unfortunately, just like a re-enactment from an Indian drama - feud broke out causing the group to shred to pieces! The once peaceful big gang was peaceful no more! Cause of the 'divorce' - irreconcilable difference!

Since I don't like to get my fingers dirty with the fight, I minded my own business..I had Viwa and I could get by everyday with a friend like her! But the worse was yet to come - during my PRO1, Viwa asked me a weird question, 'What would you do without me?' I jokingly told her that 'I will survive without her!'

True enough, Viwa had received offer to study Pharmacy in Penang - we discussed and I knew it was good that she took the offer. When she announced her decision to move, everyone discouraged her by saying - that she has wasted 1 year here; that it would be a harder course; that everyone was gonna miss her!

None of the discouraging comments made a budge until they pulled me into the comment - what is Jessmine gonna do?? Are you gonna leave her alone??

That made her think! She asked me repeatedly whether I would be alright without her around to pick me up everytime I fall & get hurt..and I assured that I will be fine! I can't deprive Viwa of a good future--I have no right! Viwa has to study elsewhere & I need to grow up! I can't depend on her to protect me..I have to do it myself!

Saying all those things to her - I felt like a politician - empty promises! The truth is Viwa was the only thing tying me to the Indian community - my personal translator - my gap-bridger! I didn't feel all this when I told Viwa that I would be fine but when she was gone! All hell broke loose!

Beginning of 2nd year was a real mess for me - I was alone most of the time. Off and on, Viwa would call me asking me how I was doing & I would tell her everything. It made me realise how alone one can be in this world. So I began focusing on chuch activity & tried to numb my loneliness with studies.

Thanks to church activities..I became closer to Lync & by some miracle I became close to Ai Soon. The 3 of us became best buds! Now, when I look back - I can't believe how life has swirled for me and yet I still manage to anchor my feet right to the ground! I, who was once alone, had Lync, Ai Soon, Huey Nee & uncle gang as my friends! A new group of people I never knew I would have befriended!

Nevertheless, I'm ever thankful for having met such great friends! Now, 3rd year is over and I'm gonna enter my 4th year..

Tricky part about 4th year is that we won't get to meet most of your friends like we used to - we are gonna kiss our free time goodbye!

It feels like starting all over again..it feels like my 2nd year all over again! I'm afraid that I might be alone again and I'm afraid that I might not have anyone to confide in in times of trouble! I'm afraid that I might not be able to face the worst on my own! I'm afraid most of the fact that I'm afraid of thought of being afraid! *If that even makes sense*

But, eventhough I make look like I walk alone..the truth is I'm not..PAPA always sees me through me all! When there was only 1 footprint on the sand, that was when HE carried me..And I'm gonna let HIM carry me all the way through this!

So, PAPA, I've no idea what YOU have planned for me but let YOUR will be done. I don't know what to do or where to go, so if there is something YOU disapprove of - please slap me in the face & wake me up! Carve my path & guide my way, PAPA. I'm afraid but YOU hold tomorrow! AMEN!

Melting the COLDEST of Hearts

I remember the Priest, during church mass, told the community this story :

There were 2 brothers who were travelling during war-time & they were apprehended by 3 policemen. Since they didn't have any documents, the policemen decided to hang the 2 brothers. They hung the eldest brother & he passed away instantly and was on the verge on persecuting the younger brother when he said :

Sir, before persecuting me, I would like you to have this coat that I have on -- its a fine velvet coat and I don't want it to go to waste.

The policemen were astonished! 'We were going to persecute this man -- and instead of cursing us, he is giving us the only valuable possession on him?!' Looking at the man's kindness, the policemen set him free.

Moral of the story : Even a little kindness goes a long way -- sometimes it may even melt the coldest of hearts!

Sometimes, we may be really nice to people but all we receive in return are taunts -- sometimes, we might get discouraged but is it a reason to fall back? I don't think so..when people 'persecute' you, don't return the act -- instead be nice to them -- because one day, they might just repent & look at all the things that you have done..When that time comes, you will be glad with what you did..

My name is Embarassed & I'm not proud of it =(

It has yet been another exciting day -- and to think that so much revelation can take place in one afternoon is mind-blowing!

My uncle, who is suffering from Acute Leukemia, quoted his doctor as saying - 'Sir, your blood doesn't show any trace of cancer cells' - my mom,who was there when my uncle & auntie saw the doctor, said that she saw my uncle shedding tears of joy! Praise the LORD for HIS Grace & Mercy!!

Then, in the afternoon -- one lady came to the porch of the house begging for money -- she isn't a familiar face -- we have seen her before & she keeps asking for donations from my mom, who entertains her!

That made me furious..I confronted my mom saying 'Why do you keep giving her money??' And the lady keeps asking more & more money -- today, she asked my mom to buy a tin of milk powder for her child & extra cash for the child's pampers!

I just walked away -- my mom, despite all our arguments -- gave the lady all that she asked for. I showed my anger by refusing to talk to mom but when I was calmer -- I asked why.

My mom said this 'Everyone thinks that she is lying that she is trying to extort money from people. But what if she wasn't? What if her child is really hungry? Would you rather have the blood of a child on your hand for a mere RM30? I thought you, of all people, would have understood me, Jessmine?!'

I felt like being slapped in the face! I was going against my very principle of LOVE! How can I integrate LOVE in my career when I can't even practise it on a daily basis -- leaving me questioning my capabilities of being a good doctor =(

Beautiful LIFE!

My friend & I were comparing our lives -- who is gonna go down as the worst Doctor in history -- 3 years down the road and we still feel as dense as ever!-- well, that was the competition and we were fighting relentlessly to prove ourselves worthy of the 'GLORIOUS title'!

5 years ago, Allan & I sat for an important exam and the results determined as to whether we would obtain acceptance into local university..But, to be on the safe side -- both of us applied to the same university & got acceptance into that uni..'1 step closer to our dreams' I remembered him saying..

Then, the results for local university came out -- I was accepted but he wasn't -- it broke him but thank GOD he got a seat in a private uni -- then came the next challenge -- FINANCE!

For him, it was as if the trials keep on coming -- one after the other -- I remember 1 close friend of ours calling and saying - 'Hey Jess, I'm worried bout Allan..he hasn't been answering my calls..could you check on him please -- maybe he will answer your call.'

GOD had HIS way -- someone from Allan's church gave a helping hand and promised to support him..HE has helped in many ways to make sure we stayed where we were..and today, we are in our 3rd year; we have graced through our important papers with our sanity still in tact..

After a long journey down memory lane -- we stopped competing for the 'GLORIOUS title' & began appreciating all the things PAPA has down for us.

Moral of the story - However bad things may seem now, one day, when you look back - you are gonna praise the LORD for HIS MERCY..all we need to do is believe..

Stop Whining!

Everyday, I learn more and more about myself..my likes & dislikes..my silent do-es & don'ts..

And I made a revelation! I HATE PEOPLE WHO WHINE!!

I feel really annoyed when people complain & complain about how horrible their life is; about how their life could have been different; if this if that! Aish! I'm not saying that my life is perfect - but the truth is - where you are today is because of what you did in the past..

You decided to take the road not taken -- and you know that the road not taken might not make you happy -- so why take it in the first place?? The decision you take today will be a decision of the past in the future..

So, instead of whining like a baby..be a MAN and STEP-UP!

STOP WHINING!

Changeling Trailer

Changeling

I was going through the movie listings in the paper and man, they were all really disappointing..

I realised that there is a new trend in the movies today (wow, I sound as if I've lived for 100 years and have seen all the movies ever produced!)..to make it big in the box-office, a movie has to have at least 1 sex scene, 1 hot gal & 1 hunk with a good body - the basic 3 elements of a 'quality' movie today..

When I saw this, I just look at my sister and said 'Lin, Hollywood could pay me the same amount they are playing their directors & I would be able to produce something better!'

But I think we as customers are equally foolish for watching the same trend of movies..Now, I'm wondering..Why in the world am I paying for the tickets to a movie not worth watching 'coz I know the outcome anyways!

Then, today, my mom was watching this movie on television - Changeling - apparently it came out last year but I hadn't had a clue that it was in the theater..Apparently, this movie won the Oscars but never really reached its expected box-office collection..

The thing I like about this movie was that it made me think - the movies I been 'trapped' into watching doesn't need space to think - Shrek 4, The Bounty Hunter - they are very straightforward - there is a damsel in distress and the hero has to find his way to save the day..TYPICAL!!

But, in Changeling, (ps. I'm not promoting this movie 'coz I'm getting commission ya), it is a struggle of a mother in search of her son even if it means that she has to fight against the whole police force & being thrown into the crack-pot hospital..It is based on a true story of a woman's hope and her willingness to fight for her son..

I loved it when Angelina Jolie said 'This day has taught me something new - HOPE'..I admired Mrs. Collins for being so positive even though she knew that there is a fat chance that her son in dead..This movie receives an absolute thumbs-up from me!

Everything is gonna' be alright, my Dear..

One thing I learnt during work was that the sales person will give a solution to their customers..For example, when I sell insurance and the customers say that they don't have enough money..I reply saying that if they set aside RM2.56/day by cutting down on their cigarette cost..

So, when my sister told me that she is extremely stressed out -- instead of scolding her and order her to snap out of it, I gave her a solution..

Sometimes, when someone is down, they have lost all sense of directions..instead of worsening their condition, we should offer them a solution -- lift their spirit -- and make the best of the time they have..all you need is a sprinkle of positivity!

Weird FRIENDS??

Now when I look back..I realised that I'm friends with the craziest of peoples! A close friend is coming over to KL and he needs to a place to stay for the weekend..since my house has a guest room, I agreed to let him stay..

Its kind of unconventional to allow a guy stay over but since I'm living with my parents and they said its ok..Ok it is!

The plan is to pick him up, have dinner at my place and then catch a movie..My friend is a bag-packing type - he can't sit still unless when he is studying for an exam..so keeping him at home and let him laze around at home is not an option! Pity ME!!

So, he suggested on the things we could do while he stayed at my place..talk about being a real tour-guide! haha..but he is a close friend and has been with me through a lot of stuff! so its only fair that I return the favour..

You see, my friend adores chocolate! Maybe that was the reason that made us close friends?? I don't remember now..haha..but being the tour-guide, I'm supposed to pick him up and confidently head towards the chocolate shop which is offering free chocolate buffet..Its funny that I should use the word 'confidently' because the truth is..I'm not sure of the place..

Frankly speaking, I am geographically-challenged! My ex once offered to send me home but due to the extreme severity of my condition - he decided not to take a risk..*ouch*

So, I asked my friend to ask his friend if there is a short cut..and MY GENIUS FRIEND email-ed me a route for the LRT!! I felt like banging my head against the wall!! Then, he said..all you need to do is find your way to pick me up and I'll show you the way to the chocolate buffet..& I asked 'Huh?! HOW!!' He replied, "I bring a GPS everywhere I go so I won't get lost"

*another bang against the wall* then, I realised I befriend people who are just like me..WOW!!

No PROMISES..

1 thing I extremely detest is not keeping one's promise..

I remember one day in my childhood when my mom told me that we will be going to my grandma's place but evening came and we didn't go over..That made me very angry..I was looking forward towards going over 2 my grandma's but..

Well, I was extremely angry at her so much so that I tried to rebel but since I'm lousy at it -- well, I ended up getting scolded even more..

Since then, I hate it whenever someone doesn't keep their promises! I hate it when they say something but ended up doing something else! I hate it when some people give promises they can't keep! What I hate most is not even trying to keep to their end of the promise!

Something very annoying happened in office today..The other day, when my friend & I announced our resignation to the HR Manager..you see last month's salary was until the 23rd so our salary for this month should be up to the 23rd as well..but since the 23rd falls on a Sunday, our HR Manager asked to write 21st as the last day serving the company..

Being the idiotically obedient person, I composed the resignation letter according to the Witch Lady's instruction..

Today, they are saying that if we don't stay till the 27th then we won't be given payment for 1 month! OH MY GOODNESS!! Talk about deceive! Talk about betrayal!

I hate it when people say one thing and do another..this lady has not only lost my trust but along with it she took away my respect for her..I don't believe two-face Harrys and I pity those who have to serve under these people..

People working at the office hardly received tertiary education so they do not understand their rights..instead of fighting for their hard days' worth they opt to leave because its much simpler to just leave without a trace! Its so sad that people are willing to cheat others off their hard work..Don't other people deserve their share of the harvest?? Don't others deserve to taste what they have sown??

I just hope that these people don't count on sponging on others..How far exactly will it get them?? 1 year..2 years?? Eesh! Whatever it is..I am going try straighten things out..PAPA, please give me the patience to handle these people & I pray that YOU don't condemn her soul! haha that sounds funny =)

Not Everyone are Wolves..

I feel like a reporter working undercover at the current office giving special news report on what goes on in office..haha..Spy 008!! I enjoy doing this actually..

Anyways, I wanted to share something that happened last week..I know I'm 1 week behind reporting this but its never too late, I guess..

Okay..here it goes..

Last week, our campaign came to an end so the management commenced a new campaign..We were all transferred into a supposedly 'rewarding' campaign..according to the seniors who have worked a long time at the office told me that they earned a huge sum of commission from doing this campaign..To me, that a very good news since I seldom get sales...

As promised, I was transferred to a different campaign but I was asked explore customers in the mortgage loan database..Only 2 people were assigned to this campaign..Our manager said that we were doing pilot study & that they chose us because we were the "best" in our field?!

Whatever that means!!

The worst part was that we had to acquire the customer's credit card number!! aish..to convince the customers to buy our product was already a big headache - getting credit card number??!

Lucky me - because I was able to convince 1 customer to buy our product but the remaining 4 days were horrible! On the 4th day of the new campaign, I was really stressed out because my partner was able to make sales but i couldn't..My intentions were at the wrong place..

I was hoping that her sales goes into pending..very horrible of me huh?? I saw the guy-in-charge of quality control called Anna into the room -- that usually means her sales is in pending..
Seeing this I was so happy! I'm so horrible!

Then, when work was over - Anna went through our script with me..She gave me hints on how to increase my sales..She did all this because the guy-in-charge of quality control asked her to coach me..It was so kind of her to do that & all I did was wanting her to fall..

Sometimes, people are not what they appear to be..Anna looked like a snobbish girl but she is very kind at heart..When I first started working, I dislikedthe behaviours of some of my colleagues but second look at them..they are not so bad afterall..

I remember watching Leverage & Timothy Hutton says - There are wolves in this world but not everyone are wolves.

Leona Lewis - Happy [Official video]

My HAPPINESS..

I'm not sure why am I reacting this way but I feel like I need to talk about it..wrote this too many times in my diary but never really got the chance to tell this out loud..

I'm the kind who doesn't fall for someone easily..When I do, I fall really hard..Maybe because I'm very skeptical as to whether a guy can love you as much as you can them..My dad is an exception..That is why, when I look at a guy..I find for the qualities I see in my dad..caring, patient, corrects you if you make a mistake, not afraid to be himself..

I fell for a guy once about three years back..but it didn't work out..maybe we were immature and didn't know what to expect from each other..Since then, I kind of put my heart on a 'leash' - I was determined to not give my heart away easily..So, I was friendly with everyone but I kept my distance and didn't allow anyone to come too close..If they did, I found ways to pull away..

But unconsciously, I did it again! I allowed someone in! And when he told me that he is in love with someone else..well, it felt like someone had punched me in the abdomen and I felt so nauseous!

However, I couldn't pull away..I did it the first time..We mustn't make the same mistake twice or we would be called idiots..so, I just listened as he spoke about her..trying hard to act normal..

Thought it hurts every time I think that he won't be mine but I keep him in my prayers that he will be alright..that he will be happy and everything will work right for him..

Last week, the priest gave a sermon on love..He said that at times, we tend to be persecuted due to our love for others - just like what Jesus did for us..HE died on the cross for us..
I'm not being hung on a cross for the guy but I feel like this is the sacrifice I'm doing for him..because I love him - I'm willing to let him go & pray for him & be there for him if he needs me - it is the least I could do..All I'm hoping is that he will be happy ALWAYS!

Major Drama!!

Today must have been the most interesting day at work!! After 3 weeks working with this company, who would have thought that they would witness so much drama! I felt as if I was in a movie!!

Haha..Lync & I were very happy that it was finally the weekend! That means we do not need to work tomorrow! Wearing jeans to work never felt better (FYI, on Fridays, we are allowed to go to office in casual wear)!

Anyways, as we were busy trying to pick up our sales..suddenly, the girl next to me got up and shouted..'Jess, stand up..U got to see this!! Hurry up!!'

I was busy calling a customer at that time but 'fortunately', the customer did not pick up the phone..So, being the busy-body that I am..I stood up and the scene that caught my eyes..Well, its 18PG folks!!

I saw a furious girl just waiting to pounce on a tomboy (a girl who pretend that she is a boy). At least 3 people were holding the girl back so that she doesn't throw a punch at the tomboy but she was so strong that she was able to escape from their clutches! The 3 people were not skinny lads..they were huge & muscular & until now, I'm still puzzled as to how the not-so-huge-&-muscular girl could still out-power the 3 guys!

Anyways, they were able to stop the fight and they requested the tomboy to leave and take the day off..The girl continued crying & many people were comforting her..I never really got as to why the fight broke out but..

No doubt it was very entertaining..but seriously, it was very un-professional of them..If they have personal issues, do not bring them to the office..Settle it before coming to work & if it is not so easily resolved..well, handle it on your own..there is no need to let everyone know!

The lesson for today is..

It is my second week working as a telemarketer..my highest score is 2 sales but it is not good enough! I'm trying hard to get 3 sales but..well, I just hope that tomorrow I'll be able to break the record & get 5 sales!!

1 thing I realised during these 2 weeks is that..I may not be the highest-selling telemarketer nor am I the really capable of handling stress..but I know that GOD has a plan for me..HE has a reason as to why HE routed me to take up this job..HE has a reason as to why HE gave me the telemarketer position & not the QA position..

I'm not exactly sure as to what I'm supposed to learn but I do know that something is in store for me..I should take every passing day in my stride & never give up the fight even if, at times, I might feel sick & tired of waking up to go to work..

PAPA, whatever lesson YOU have planned out for me..Let YOUR will be done!

Welcome to the real world, JESS!!

I started working last week to earn some extra cash..extra cash for new clothes & accessories & for my trip with Susan. So, Lync recommended me to work with her for her uncle in a telemarketing company..I have to call a list of customers & convince them to buy our insurance..

I actually feel like I'm getting paid to be talkative! And I get to talk to random people & strike random conversations before getting the clients decline buying the insurance policy..REALLY FUN!! I mean seriously!

My parents have warned me that there are many bad people lurking around in the corners just waiting to pounce on me..but truthfully, I've never really bumped into these kind of people! (Thank GOD!!) So, I tend to see the good in people..I mean, I do dislike certain people in my life, but I don't LOATHE them & totally distance myself from them..

When, I started working, I got to meet many characters..then, I began doubting as to whether I was a true city gal..Though, I was brought up & raised in the city, I have always had the mentality of a 'kampung' gal..

I have this thinking that our current generation - meaning my generation of youth is the corrupted generation..we here many cases of child abuse, dumping new-born in the rubbish dump..you get the picture!

But, after working, I just realised that the previous generation aren't really saints..In fact, they are not anywhere close to being saints! They use vulgar words which make my ear bleed! I see mothers smoke (what kind of example are they setting for their children??)! And everyone wants to see their fall..

It gets better..most of them are from rural areas..and they have only been in the city for a couple of years or so..and they shedded their rural skin & replaced it with 'urban' skin!

What I'm saying is..people have this misconception that city people are immoral but the truth is the city is filled with 'migrants' who assume that that is how we 'city people' live..guess what! stop assuming! We are people with high morale & self-respect & give priority to our customs & traditions..We love who we are & do not conform to the world!

Because HE Lives!!

In death, HE conquered death..
Rising again, HE gave us new life..
This is the day when darkness turns to light..
the day when sinners rise up and repent..
the day when evil is defeated and truth prevails..
the day when we can hope that no matter what happens
everything is taken cared of..
And everything is going to be fine..
Because HE lives!!
HAPPY EASTER!!

See the World thro' MY eyes..

It is truly a miracle that even a technologically-challenged person like me can own her own blog!! Oh well..miracles happen right?? Haha..it is a funny thing to have a blog actually..it is like writing in a diary but a diary entry that you want people to read..WOW..that means, now, I've to write 2 versions of everything..one version which can be read by those reading this blod..and the other, only visible to me!!

My name is Jessmine by the way..but i would prefer to be called Princess Jessmine..yup, I'm off royal blood..well, MY PAPA is the King of all KINGS..and since I'm HIS daughter..I'm a PRINCESS!!

Well, I like to think of myself as someone who likes to see the glass as half full when others are beginning to give up..Hence the title of my blog..I would like to invite more people to see things the way I see it and..well, spread the hope and joy the LORD, My GOD has given me..At times, I might be flawed with my human weaknesses but I hope that I will be more Christ-like in the way I see this world..AMEN..