Sunday, November 28, 2010

What defines me??

This year, I’ve lost everything that has ever meant something to me. I remember this line by Blue which sang “it is funny how life can change, can flip 180 within a matter of days”. Truth is, life is like a rail-road – if derail even an inch, life’s train may course to the other end of the world.
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.

But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.

When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..

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