Monday, August 30, 2010

Humble or BE Humbled

Father told during sermont that we all need to be humble..there is a parable which emphasises on humility and how one can be honoured by others by being humble..Father Robert said that when we are young, we have lots to offer - many dreams, many ideas with tremendous amount of energy to carry out our projects..

But as we age, our thinking becomes less 'modern' and we have less energy to carry out what we plan and have to depend on others to go by. This is when we become humble..We need others to carry out our plans..We rely on others to continue being in position..

Though only 23, I have already felt this..Some time ago, I was leading an organisation and when I stepped down, I had to allow the 'younger generation' to take over and I retired to simple 'odd jobs'. Maybe my expectations were too much..

Recently, the organisation organised an event but did not bother to invite the 'elders' - not only me but everyone who was once leaders of the organisation..That was absolutely devastating..Suddenly, everything that I thought were huts of shelter -seems to have been occupied by mean occupants who are chasing us out into the rain..

LORD, help me cope with everything that is going on..I'm not sure how much tougher you want me to be..but my shelter is being taken away from me and I have no where to hide..I come as me..please don't leave me LORD 'coz without YOU, I'm not sure where to go..

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

One at a Time

Learning to
live one day at a time
take one step at a time
carve one smile one at a time
move one brick at a time
chase one dream at a time
look in one direction at a time
take care of one person at a time
bring pieces back one at a time
make pieces fit one at a time
change one person at a time

But most importantly, trying to
do all these without losing myself at the same time =)

Friday, August 20, 2010


I was reading an article in the church bulletin talks about how we have grown to dissociate our social life from our prayer life..its like when we are in church, we are angels..but the moment we step out of church we take out our mask and turn into devils!

It was a new view for me..thinking like this..but I know that I fall in this category..well, these few weeks at least..

The other day, a friend asked me..'How come your HO so nice to you?'
And I bluntly answered..'Maybe its because I'm a girl and I have assets that others yearn to possess..He can superficially look, I don't mind as long as I have the advantage of learning from him!'

Hearing this, another friend called me a B to the Itch..sorry, I don't like to pronounce the word! When he said that, I felt one kind..I remember my sister calling me a slut for talking to guys and that really pissed me off..but that is because, I know that I will never gain bargain sexual favours for my advantage..

Of course I did not offer anything when my HO voluntarily decided to teach me but the thought of me letting people look at my asset was not something I use to tolerate..I feel awkward when people stare at my girls - disgusted even! But to think that I'm loosening my tight leash kinda scares me..

What am I turning into?? I thought I was getting better after all that has happened..Could there be a fraction of me that might have died during these2 months?? Could I possibly be the same Jessmine that I was before or am I evolving into a new Jessmine?? If I am evolving, will I be comfortable with this new person?? Or will I be doubting my decision every time I make one??

Father said that we are the decisions we make..Will I be able to accept the decision and consequently accept myself?? Because at the moment, I don't know who I am..I don't remember how to be me..I just remember being happy..hopefully, I find myself soon before its too late..

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Under Higher Magnification=)

I had a very 'deep' talk with a close friend..He asked me as to whether two people who are very much in love with each other MUST end up with each other..can two people not be together despite everything - in short, does it necessarily have to be a happy ending..

I think, not necessarily..When loving someone, you don't expect anything from the other person..You love them unconditionally - irrespective as to whether they return the love or not..if say, you love someone because that person loves you, what happens then, if he/she stops loving you?? Will you be able to discontinue your feelings there and then?? So, when you learn to love someone no matter what..come whatever, let it be rain or shine, you'll always love him/her..To me, it always come to that..and if it doesn't work out, he/she leaves a tattoo in your heart..a tattoo that has a scar but at the same time, brings back memories as to how you got it in the first place..

But, I realised one thing as I spoke this..I realised that with time and determination, you can slowly let him/her go..I'm in such situation and I found it very hard to cope with such situation..the fear that i might mess something up; the fear that i'll fall for him more than i already have; the fear that i will not be able to get over it..

It took me really long..i've ben telling myself that i'll forget him and pretend all this as a bad joke - but every time i tried, something stopped me..but after all these time, i suddenly was able to let him hurt a bit in the beginning but it felt comparatively mild and i was able to cope..

I found this excessively strange but letting go is what i'm doing and letting go i shall=)