Double-Guessing

I was reading an article in the church bulletin today..it talks about how we have grown to dissociate our social life from our prayer life..its like when we are in church, we are angels..but the moment we step out of church we take out our mask and turn into devils!

It was a new view for me..thinking like this..but I know that I fall in this category..well, these few weeks at least..

The other day, a friend asked me..'How come your HO so nice to you?'
And I bluntly answered..'Maybe its because I'm a girl and I have assets that others yearn to possess..He can superficially look, I don't mind as long as I have the advantage of learning from him!'

Hearing this, another friend called me a B to the Itch..sorry, I don't like to pronounce the word! When he said that, I felt one kind..I remember my sister calling me a slut for talking to guys and that really pissed me off..but that is because, I know that I will never gain bargain sexual favours for my advantage..

Of course I did not offer anything when my HO voluntarily decided to teach me but the thought of me letting people look at my asset was not something I use to tolerate..I feel awkward when people stare at my girls - disgusted even! But to think that I'm loosening my tight leash kinda scares me..

What am I turning into?? I thought I was getting better after all that has happened..Could there be a fraction of me that might have died during these2 months?? Could I possibly be the same Jessmine that I was before or am I evolving into a new Jessmine?? If I am evolving, will I be comfortable with this new person?? Or will I be doubting my decision every time I make one??

Father said that we are the decisions we make..Will I be able to accept the decision and consequently accept myself?? Because at the moment, I don't know who I am..I don't remember how to be me..I just remember being happy..hopefully, I find myself soon before its too late..