The Larger PICTURE

All my life I was being told of whom to be, of what to do, of what to say but at some point, I just took a step back and thought for a second..Who am I?? What am I doing?? What am I saying?? It suddenly dawned on me that I was nothing more than a robot computed to do as what I was told. If I was to be put on auto-drive, why did GOD give me a brain?? So that it can rot??

Well, I began questioning the world. I rejected if I was told to conform to the norms of this world. I rebelled against those who wanted to make me one of their clones. My methods may not be conventional and I am, actually, ostracised at times but that has never wavered me from who I am. People have begun labelling me as being aggressive. I was hurt, nonetheless, but when I looked back – I wasn’t learning for them – heck! I was doing this for me!

I don’t understand why some people feel threatened by others. Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to decide whether you want to do something? Say, if you see A talking to a patient and asking the patient about his medical condition, do you feel like clerking the patient because you WANT to or because you are afraid that A learn more things compared to you?

The answer is quite straightforward actually. If you can’t answer this at a glimpse, then, honey, you and I are never going to be on the same page. I am here to learn to be the best that I can, not to be better than anyone. Everyone has their flaws and I would not want to be in anyone else’s shoes. Why should I? And if people, as immature as they can be, want to continue ignoring me like a fly on the wall, so be it! I’m looking at the larger picture! And the painting doesn’t only contain you and me..

Lent 2011

Being in Paediatrics posting has had its perks but since it is the beginning of Lent, I want to relate something happened today. Its my 2011 Lent struggle.

Prof Hans entered the room with a glare (and no, its not from his polished scalp!). He divided us into several small groups - with colleagues outside our 'click' and made us discuss several topics. He spiced up the session by saying that points will be awarded according to groups during presentation and when we are able to answer the questions asked. Fair enough! What other way to make a mute class talk?!

I guess his intentions were at the right place - colleagues in my class will not open their mouths - like mom would say it - as if (they) are hiding gold in the (their) mouth. What was initially an ice-breaker, later turned into frenzy - I felt as if I was in a shop which has declared sale! Everyone were racing to answer the question - well done Prof Hans!

But here is the turn off - it was not just to answer the question - everyone wanted to trample over the other group - to be awarded the highest point. It became really obvious when a presenter shut an audience up point blank and I was stunned! I must say the audience was a tad bit annoying but didn't it defeat the purpose of the whose session??

People said that when you enter Paediatric posting, you gotta blend in with the kids but shouting at each other in front of class and acting like kids?! But this is RI-DICK-ULOUS!!

That was only part of this opening day of Lent - more were to come..
Last time, I used to give everyone the benefit of doubt (innocent until proven otherwise) - I used to think and everyone were nice and lovely people despite my mom's constant reminding that they could be killers and rapers lurking amongst you! I guess if someone did something wrong, I would reason for them and excuse them off their mistakes. How far wrong could I get, I cannot further express..

I guess people are not always what they seem - maybe deep down I knew and I felt it but I just refused to believe it. A friend once told me this - Friends are to use and to be used. I felt so hurt hearing those words - furious even! I used to believe that one person is enough to change the world and we should be the change we want to see. I'm not some Beauty pageant contestant who merely says that she wants world peace and wishes that someday, magically, the world will transform.But I try hard to be at peace with people. All things said, I've only but one conclusion - humans are as stubborn as mules if not more. Who am I kidding? No one is gonna change - people are gonna keep using people and victims are gonna continue getting hurt. So, on this Lent 2011, I officially step down from this purposeless, not to mention, futile crusade. I'm done fighting, its time I grew up and join the world in its nothingness..