Repenting

I'm sorry PAPA for slashing out on YOU like that the other day but I was really very sad..

When YOU took away Pat Sitepa from us..I felt as if YOU took away my dad..My prayer is very systematic..
Pray for :
1. family - mummy, daddy, Lin, Amachi, Merlin sinema, PAT SITEPA, Jessica, Jeaneta, Janus,...
2. Lync, Aisoon & me - that we'll be good doctors..
3. sick people - PAT SITEPA, Aisoon's grandma, Shi Long, Fr. Thomas
Follow this sequence everyday so that I won't forget anyone in the process..

YOU know how close my dad & mum is to Pat Sitepa..My dad calls him EVERYDAY!! needs to talk to Pat Sitepa every time..need to know whether he feels alright all the time! So, when you took Pat Sitepa..I felt different..'coz my auntie, mum & dad have done so much so that he will
live a long life but..

Aish..my cousins are in a real mess but Jessica kept holding my hand..she didn't want to let me go..they need me now..probably, in 5 years time, they still might not be able to get over time..

but, PAPA, YOU won't let us down right?? i know that YOU took Pat Sitepa 'coz YOU want to put him out of his misery..YOU can't stand seeing YOUR precious son suffer and YOU want him to have an everlasting life..so, YOU took him away..I'm sorry for being very selfish but we did love him..we still do..

i don't UNDERSTAND!

i don't understand LORD..why did you keep our spirits up when YOU are gonna crush them like this..we had so much hope in YOU..even when everything looks like they are falling apart, we came to YOU and asked for YOUR mercy..we thought YOU won't let us down..

Pat Sitepa was always faithful to YOU..he never did anything that YOU don't approve off..So, why LORD?? why YOU have to do this?? Didn't we pray to YOU enough?? Even my youngest cousin knelt before YOU in prayer every time she comes back from school?? i thought YOU love YOUR children..so, how come YOU let us down like this LORD??

Every time i try look at the positive side of this..YOU challenge us even more..how are we to continue like this LORD?? don't YOU know how much we love YOU?? I'm very disappointed in YOU, PAPA..and very angry..and very sad..

on that Saturday, we read about YOU curing the leper & healing the sick boy..we were so confident that YOU are gonna bring Pat Sitepa out alive LORD..So, what happened?? did YOU just suddenly decided not to help him because YOU can?? why LORD??

Precious words..

Looking at my auntie cry over the guy she loves so much made me wonder & wonder..

"How can you see someone you love so much suffer? Will my heart be able to take it if I saw the person I love in the same situation?"

When he was in the ICU, I accompanied my auntie in and this was what she told him..
'Honey, I don't know if you can hear me but I need to tell you this.. I really love you..and you have been my best friend all these years. I'm sorry for all the times I've scolded you but darling I love you very much..I hope I've done my best in taking care of you - You have been a very good husband to me and a very good daddy to our kids..'

At first, I told myself not to cry but when she said that - I couldn't stop crying!
Now I think about it..I have a fear in me that I might love someone like that & to watch him get even a scratch would leave me vulnerable let alone death..I mean to love your family is mandatory 'coz you grew up with them but when you meet someone foreign & spend the rest of your life with him..and love him that much..a total foreigner whom you call your own..

I remember when she came out..she said to my mom - I wish I was single, that way, I would not have loved this man so much & would be happily living my life..Aish..Pat Sitepa, how is she gonna get through the day without you??

To PAT Sitepa..

I still not exactly myself to write anything here..I feel very distant like a zombie walking around..I make people smile but I'm not sure if I'm smiling..Now, that my uncle in gone, I want to make sure my cousins are alright..so I tried to crack stupid jokes..Jeanie laughed heartily but Jessica is still refusing to smile..I won't stop till she smiles..

Anyway, I just feel that he is resting well now..

Pat sitepa,

You have suffered enough..I know you are worried about Merlin Sinema, Jessica, Jeaneta & Janus..I know that though they are able to smile, they are still grieving inside..But, don't worry - I told Jo, Sha, Mims & Jason and all of us will take care of them..We are cousins after all..and most importantly, we are family..We promised each other and we will keep our promise Pat sitepa..
But, we hope that you will continue guiding them..

Jessica is taking over your place - she needs your guidance;
Jeaneta miss talking to you - talk to her everyday & help her keep her sanity;
Janus wants to be the person you were - guide him so that he will be able to walk in your footsteps..

I can feel the peace in my heart and I know that you are happy where you are..you are free from all the sufferings that you have been through this past 1 year..I can still hear you voice sitepa..when I called to wish you happy birthday..haha! We spoke about your voice, you know! Amachi said you could have been a deejay!! Anyway, take care sitepa..love you..

The line between truth & lie..

Does lying make you a bad person??
Does telling the truth make you a good person??
But what if, the truth brings pain??
What if, the lie brings comfort??
What if, the reason you are lying is to protect the person you are lying to??

Yesterday, while visiting Uncle Pat, I answered my auntie's phone..it was my cousin who is studying abroad..she is studying Medicine,too, & asked me as to how her father was..I told her that he is alright & that he was just a bit tired..Today, Uncle entered into ICU..i'm not sure how to answer Jeaneta..

i'm not justifying that what i did was correct..i could have told her that her father was sick, anemic, suffering from a possible infection & GVHD..but, would i have made the situation better or would i have made it worse?? She was about to sit for her finals & would be back in 2 days time..

aish..everytime my auntie asks me whether he is going to be ok..i'll try to explain the pathophysiology of his condition - i find that it gives her comfort..it gives her hope..hope that my uncle will come out of this..faith that he is gonna lead a long and healthy life..

So, if you lie to make someone feel happy..is that acceptable?? i feel as if the line which distinguishes good from evil has been blurred..i'm not sure i have the correct ounces of sanity to know what is right & what is wrong anymore..

PAPA, restore us - my UNCLE, my AUNTIE, my parents, my family, our sanity, our happiness..WE have entrusted everything into your hands..Sometimes, we pretend to be clever but that only makes us look more of a fool. LORD, YOU alone know how much pain this family has been through and yet we still look up to YOU for YOUR help..LORD, don't look at our sins but look at the faith these children have in YOU..Please, shed YOUR Mercy on my family..AMEN..

My youngest cousin..

The other my family had a gathering & it made me realise just how lame we can get..I used to wonder as to how I'm very 'gila-gila' kind..then, I found it! My family IS like that! From my grandma to my youngest cousin! haha..

We have a tradition lar..da elder ones will bully the younger ones..bully as in play2 lar..

And, I WAS THE ELDEST!! haha!! So, I have a 'duty' to tease the younger ones..

My youngest cousin is 7 and she has just begun schooling..The 1st half of the school term, she was attending the afternoon session..so, the next half term, her school is in the morning session..haha..this is hilarious! 'coz she wakes up around 11am everyday! And to wake her up anytime earlier than that would require a miracle..

Haha..so, I told her..'Jenna, u r gonna attend morning school o..Can you wake up?? If you can't, Daddy is gonna drive you to school in your pyjamas o..how?'

Jenna insisted that she will wake up early & will bot be caught in her pyjamas roaming around in school..the truth is, my cousins made a bet that she is gonna skip her 1st day of school - coz she can't wake up early..

I LOST MY BET!! Jenna, apparently, didn't sleep the whole night..worried that she will have to go to school in her pyjamas!! hahaha!!

On the bright side, this 'responsible' cousin succeeded to wake Jenna up for school - or rather succeeded in not allowing her to sleep!! muahahahha!!!

PAPA, we need you..

I suddenly feel as though there is a big pit in my heart..a fear that lingers during this month of June. Truthfully, I'm June-a-phobic..I'm terrified by this month due to past experience..

This year..i thought it was going to be different..a change in the direction of wind, perhaps? but i'm wrong..the wind is blowing at the same-bloody-direction!

Last year, my uncle was diagnosed of having leukemia -- it came as a big shock to my family -- i still remember the way my mum wailed & i saw my dad cry for the 1st time..these are scenes i would like to erase but memories like these are stuck with you forever..i've never seen my dad cry..even for my grandma's funeral, he was very calm..and to see such a well-composed man cry -- that was really frightening!

My uncle entered da ICU ward and was in a critical condition but thank God he came out of it..my mom would bring food for my auntie (who refused to go home, as she wanted to take care of my uncle) everyday & i would drive her..one day, when my uncle was in ICU, suddenly da Dr. told us that his condition was deteriorating! Can you imagine your father, husband and friend is in such a state and you are helpless!? i hate that feeling..i still remember that Monday..i remember the way my auntie cried..the way my uncle said he wanted to see the priest! aish! if there was 1 day i would like 2 erase out of my life..that day would be it! 'coz everytime i tink of it..i cry!!

The after-effects of that incident was very torturing as well! Upon return to campus, i was still worrying about my family back home..everyday, i would hide and cry but somehow manage to keep it from my friends..but at point, i could take it no more! i burst out in church still i refused to talk about it..a friend who realised i was not 'myself' made me spill my guts out!! that time i cried and cried till my heart felt at peace..

Now, the once peaceful heart has been stirred again..my uncle underwent bone-marrow transplant & has to attend weekly check-ups but recently, the dr discovered ulcers in the stomach..so he has to be admitted to determine the cause of the ulcer..was it due 2 the procedure or of a different cause..

Everything was fine today, till my cousin came..she was very disturbed at work..she couldn't concentrate & i saw her crying..you know i'm a sucker when i see people cry..esp. ppl close to me..n i need not say that Jessica was very close..seeing her cry over the possible harm her father might be in..it just shook me..worst thing is..im so helpless..i can't do anything other than cry..

i feel like such a pathetic being! there is nothing i can do! but i just hope..everything will be fine..that my uncle will survive through it & that i can hear my family laughing without worrying about my uncle again..i just wish everything will be alright PAPA..please don't let go of my family..we really need you now more than ever! T.T

U6S Gathering..

Yesterday, we had our class gathering..its an annual thing & everyone was excited to see each other so 'grown-up'..haha..So, ytd we were reminiscing all the things we used to do in class that made us us..then, I want to try something new..Write out 1 characteristic of each of my classmate that reminds me of them! This ought to be fun!!

Li Shan - puts Colin Firth's pic in her Math T book to neutralize her feelings for Mdm. TCT!
Kit Nyin - had to put up with Li Shan's nonsense & was forced into the Para gang!
FLY - was madly in love with Zidane then unexpectedly changed her taste to Superman
making her to automatically hold the Pres. post of Para gang!
Jing Wen - extremely gentle - our role-model 4 lady-like personality
Elaine - we 'love' the smell of drain..thats why we sit at the same place ALL the TIME!!
Huey Fen - our PERMAISURI!!
Ci Min - no one knew she could speak so loud till the Merdeka DRAMA!! walao!!
Puei Teen - she is the fairest of all!
Kang Teng- I couldn't see the teacher thanx to him! LOL..its just a joke yah!!
Kin Hou - my pocket gets dry because of him!! haha..our x-bendahari..
KP Chen - look like a small child wearing his daddy's tuxedo..haha
Qi Hua - she corrected Mdm. TCT's answer u know!! don't play play!!
Yan Ying - who knew such a small child could have that much energy!?
See Jie - loves her sudoku..don't mess with her when she is playing or else..
Allan - small immature lil' kid..haha..i rmbr us revising for our Piano theory exam..
Zhi Heng - drives us to Maths tuition in his van..
PCS - unofficial librarian..
Jen Yaw - pretty boy..
Yi Ming - how to improve my creativity??
Han Yuan - silent 38-er
Beh - Mr. Perasan..
Yih Shen - AGUNG!!
Wern Jyet- the octopus..i still don't know why we called him that..remind me 2 ask this!
Jia Ken - our physics companion..
Lup Wai - i rmbr he said he want to be the guy who jaga the train because it is an easy life..
Chern Hong - loves his game!
Dickson - Mr. Muscle!!
Wai Xin - the gentleman in our class..

I arranged according to our class seats ah..so, don't kecil hati!! haha!! Old sweet memories..

REGRETS=(

Regrets..
I wish I had studied harder
I wish I was more popular
I wish I had explored some talent..
We all have regrets
but how long do we keep them at heart?

Do we whine the whole week and try making things better
or do replay it o'er & o'er again so that it can miraculously alter the past?
Would you not rather spend time fixing your mess
than to waste more of your time making the same mistake?

Whats the point of looking back when you have your future in front of you
will your past change if you regret what you have done?
or will you get back the time you have wasted when regretting?
So, why waste precious time on useless gestures?
Does a runner run with his head looking backwards?
No, he looks ahead for any obstacle..
Should we not do the same??

I HATE it when people show any sign of regret..
GET OVER IT!!
if you have done a mess,
clean it up!
don't expect you tears to mop the floor for you..
If you don't want to regret later in life,
make wise decisions..
Don't simply jump to conclusions!!

Sometimes, I wonder..
am I a regret??
If I am, I'm sorry..
'coz I never saw you as a regret..
until now..

Who holds 2mr??

Grouping for 4th year just came out & I don't have any close friends with me in group 6..its feels like I'm starting all over again - its like entering a new school; or stepping into a party where you don't know anyone!

Reminiscing back - this is how my 3 years in USM has been..not exactly smooth (has been quite bumpy actually) but I always seem to survive!

When I was in my 1st year, I was extremely close to Viwa - I hardly spoke Tamil so that kinda distanced me from the Indian society but thanks to Viwa, I was close to them. Unfortunately, just like a re-enactment from an Indian drama - feud broke out causing the group to shred to pieces! The once peaceful big gang was peaceful no more! Cause of the 'divorce' - irreconcilable difference!

Since I don't like to get my fingers dirty with the fight, I minded my own business..I had Viwa and I could get by everyday with a friend like her! But the worse was yet to come - during my PRO1, Viwa asked me a weird question, 'What would you do without me?' I jokingly told her that 'I will survive without her!'

True enough, Viwa had received offer to study Pharmacy in Penang - we discussed and I knew it was good that she took the offer. When she announced her decision to move, everyone discouraged her by saying - that she has wasted 1 year here; that it would be a harder course; that everyone was gonna miss her!

None of the discouraging comments made a budge until they pulled me into the comment - what is Jessmine gonna do?? Are you gonna leave her alone??

That made her think! She asked me repeatedly whether I would be alright without her around to pick me up everytime I fall & get hurt..and I assured that I will be fine! I can't deprive Viwa of a good future--I have no right! Viwa has to study elsewhere & I need to grow up! I can't depend on her to protect me..I have to do it myself!

Saying all those things to her - I felt like a politician - empty promises! The truth is Viwa was the only thing tying me to the Indian community - my personal translator - my gap-bridger! I didn't feel all this when I told Viwa that I would be fine but when she was gone! All hell broke loose!

Beginning of 2nd year was a real mess for me - I was alone most of the time. Off and on, Viwa would call me asking me how I was doing & I would tell her everything. It made me realise how alone one can be in this world. So I began focusing on chuch activity & tried to numb my loneliness with studies.

Thanks to church activities..I became closer to Lync & by some miracle I became close to Ai Soon. The 3 of us became best buds! Now, when I look back - I can't believe how life has swirled for me and yet I still manage to anchor my feet right to the ground! I, who was once alone, had Lync, Ai Soon, Huey Nee & uncle gang as my friends! A new group of people I never knew I would have befriended!

Nevertheless, I'm ever thankful for having met such great friends! Now, 3rd year is over and I'm gonna enter my 4th year..

Tricky part about 4th year is that we won't get to meet most of your friends like we used to - we are gonna kiss our free time goodbye!

It feels like starting all over again..it feels like my 2nd year all over again! I'm afraid that I might be alone again and I'm afraid that I might not have anyone to confide in in times of trouble! I'm afraid that I might not be able to face the worst on my own! I'm afraid most of the fact that I'm afraid of thought of being afraid! *If that even makes sense*

But, eventhough I make look like I walk alone..the truth is I'm not..PAPA always sees me through me all! When there was only 1 footprint on the sand, that was when HE carried me..And I'm gonna let HIM carry me all the way through this!

So, PAPA, I've no idea what YOU have planned for me but let YOUR will be done. I don't know what to do or where to go, so if there is something YOU disapprove of - please slap me in the face & wake me up! Carve my path & guide my way, PAPA. I'm afraid but YOU hold tomorrow! AMEN!

Melting the COLDEST of Hearts

I remember the Priest, during church mass, told the community this story :

There were 2 brothers who were travelling during war-time & they were apprehended by 3 policemen. Since they didn't have any documents, the policemen decided to hang the 2 brothers. They hung the eldest brother & he passed away instantly and was on the verge on persecuting the younger brother when he said :

Sir, before persecuting me, I would like you to have this coat that I have on -- its a fine velvet coat and I don't want it to go to waste.

The policemen were astonished! 'We were going to persecute this man -- and instead of cursing us, he is giving us the only valuable possession on him?!' Looking at the man's kindness, the policemen set him free.

Moral of the story : Even a little kindness goes a long way -- sometimes it may even melt the coldest of hearts!

Sometimes, we may be really nice to people but all we receive in return are taunts -- sometimes, we might get discouraged but is it a reason to fall back? I don't think so..when people 'persecute' you, don't return the act -- instead be nice to them -- because one day, they might just repent & look at all the things that you have done..When that time comes, you will be glad with what you did..

My name is Embarassed & I'm not proud of it =(

It has yet been another exciting day -- and to think that so much revelation can take place in one afternoon is mind-blowing!

My uncle, who is suffering from Acute Leukemia, quoted his doctor as saying - 'Sir, your blood doesn't show any trace of cancer cells' - my mom,who was there when my uncle & auntie saw the doctor, said that she saw my uncle shedding tears of joy! Praise the LORD for HIS Grace & Mercy!!

Then, in the afternoon -- one lady came to the porch of the house begging for money -- she isn't a familiar face -- we have seen her before & she keeps asking for donations from my mom, who entertains her!

That made me furious..I confronted my mom saying 'Why do you keep giving her money??' And the lady keeps asking more & more money -- today, she asked my mom to buy a tin of milk powder for her child & extra cash for the child's pampers!

I just walked away -- my mom, despite all our arguments -- gave the lady all that she asked for. I showed my anger by refusing to talk to mom but when I was calmer -- I asked why.

My mom said this 'Everyone thinks that she is lying that she is trying to extort money from people. But what if she wasn't? What if her child is really hungry? Would you rather have the blood of a child on your hand for a mere RM30? I thought you, of all people, would have understood me, Jessmine?!'

I felt like being slapped in the face! I was going against my very principle of LOVE! How can I integrate LOVE in my career when I can't even practise it on a daily basis -- leaving me questioning my capabilities of being a good doctor =(

Beautiful LIFE!

My friend & I were comparing our lives -- who is gonna go down as the worst Doctor in history -- 3 years down the road and we still feel as dense as ever!-- well, that was the competition and we were fighting relentlessly to prove ourselves worthy of the 'GLORIOUS title'!

5 years ago, Allan & I sat for an important exam and the results determined as to whether we would obtain acceptance into local university..But, to be on the safe side -- both of us applied to the same university & got acceptance into that uni..'1 step closer to our dreams' I remembered him saying..

Then, the results for local university came out -- I was accepted but he wasn't -- it broke him but thank GOD he got a seat in a private uni -- then came the next challenge -- FINANCE!

For him, it was as if the trials keep on coming -- one after the other -- I remember 1 close friend of ours calling and saying - 'Hey Jess, I'm worried bout Allan..he hasn't been answering my calls..could you check on him please -- maybe he will answer your call.'

GOD had HIS way -- someone from Allan's church gave a helping hand and promised to support him..HE has helped in many ways to make sure we stayed where we were..and today, we are in our 3rd year; we have graced through our important papers with our sanity still in tact..

After a long journey down memory lane -- we stopped competing for the 'GLORIOUS title' & began appreciating all the things PAPA has down for us.

Moral of the story - However bad things may seem now, one day, when you look back - you are gonna praise the LORD for HIS MERCY..all we need to do is believe..

Stop Whining!

Everyday, I learn more and more about myself..my likes & dislikes..my silent do-es & don'ts..

And I made a revelation! I HATE PEOPLE WHO WHINE!!

I feel really annoyed when people complain & complain about how horrible their life is; about how their life could have been different; if this if that! Aish! I'm not saying that my life is perfect - but the truth is - where you are today is because of what you did in the past..

You decided to take the road not taken -- and you know that the road not taken might not make you happy -- so why take it in the first place?? The decision you take today will be a decision of the past in the future..

So, instead of whining like a baby..be a MAN and STEP-UP!

STOP WHINING!

Changeling Trailer

Changeling

I was going through the movie listings in the paper and man, they were all really disappointing..

I realised that there is a new trend in the movies today (wow, I sound as if I've lived for 100 years and have seen all the movies ever produced!)..to make it big in the box-office, a movie has to have at least 1 sex scene, 1 hot gal & 1 hunk with a good body - the basic 3 elements of a 'quality' movie today..

When I saw this, I just look at my sister and said 'Lin, Hollywood could pay me the same amount they are playing their directors & I would be able to produce something better!'

But I think we as customers are equally foolish for watching the same trend of movies..Now, I'm wondering..Why in the world am I paying for the tickets to a movie not worth watching 'coz I know the outcome anyways!

Then, today, my mom was watching this movie on television - Changeling - apparently it came out last year but I hadn't had a clue that it was in the theater..Apparently, this movie won the Oscars but never really reached its expected box-office collection..

The thing I like about this movie was that it made me think - the movies I been 'trapped' into watching doesn't need space to think - Shrek 4, The Bounty Hunter - they are very straightforward - there is a damsel in distress and the hero has to find his way to save the day..TYPICAL!!

But, in Changeling, (ps. I'm not promoting this movie 'coz I'm getting commission ya), it is a struggle of a mother in search of her son even if it means that she has to fight against the whole police force & being thrown into the crack-pot hospital..It is based on a true story of a woman's hope and her willingness to fight for her son..

I loved it when Angelina Jolie said 'This day has taught me something new - HOPE'..I admired Mrs. Collins for being so positive even though she knew that there is a fat chance that her son in dead..This movie receives an absolute thumbs-up from me!