PAPA, we need you..

I suddenly feel as though there is a big pit in my heart..a fear that lingers during this month of June. Truthfully, I'm June-a-phobic..I'm terrified by this month due to past experience..

This year..i thought it was going to be different..a change in the direction of wind, perhaps? but i'm wrong..the wind is blowing at the same-bloody-direction!

Last year, my uncle was diagnosed of having leukemia -- it came as a big shock to my family -- i still remember the way my mum wailed & i saw my dad cry for the 1st time..these are scenes i would like to erase but memories like these are stuck with you forever..i've never seen my dad cry..even for my grandma's funeral, he was very calm..and to see such a well-composed man cry -- that was really frightening!

My uncle entered da ICU ward and was in a critical condition but thank God he came out of it..my mom would bring food for my auntie (who refused to go home, as she wanted to take care of my uncle) everyday & i would drive her..one day, when my uncle was in ICU, suddenly da Dr. told us that his condition was deteriorating! Can you imagine your father, husband and friend is in such a state and you are helpless!? i hate that feeling..i still remember that Monday..i remember the way my auntie cried..the way my uncle said he wanted to see the priest! aish! if there was 1 day i would like 2 erase out of my life..that day would be it! 'coz everytime i tink of it..i cry!!

The after-effects of that incident was very torturing as well! Upon return to campus, i was still worrying about my family back home..everyday, i would hide and cry but somehow manage to keep it from my friends..but at point, i could take it no more! i burst out in church still i refused to talk about it..a friend who realised i was not 'myself' made me spill my guts out!! that time i cried and cried till my heart felt at peace..

Now, the once peaceful heart has been stirred again..my uncle underwent bone-marrow transplant & has to attend weekly check-ups but recently, the dr discovered ulcers in the stomach..so he has to be admitted to determine the cause of the ulcer..was it due 2 the procedure or of a different cause..

Everything was fine today, till my cousin came..she was very disturbed at work..she couldn't concentrate & i saw her crying..you know i'm a sucker when i see people cry..esp. ppl close to me..n i need not say that Jessica was very close..seeing her cry over the possible harm her father might be in..it just shook me..worst thing is..im so helpless..i can't do anything other than cry..

i feel like such a pathetic being! there is nothing i can do! but i just hope..everything will be fine..that my uncle will survive through it & that i can hear my family laughing without worrying about my uncle again..i just wish everything will be alright PAPA..please don't let go of my family..we really need you now more than ever! T.T