Grouping for 4th year just came out & I don't have any close friends with me in group 6..its feels like I'm starting all over again - its like entering a new school; or stepping into a party where you don't know anyone!
Reminiscing back - this is how my 3 years in USM has been..not exactly smooth (has been quite bumpy actually) but I always seem to survive!
When I was in my 1st year, I was extremely close to Viwa - I hardly spoke Tamil so that kinda distanced me from the Indian society but thanks to Viwa, I was close to them. Unfortunately, just like a re-enactment from an Indian drama - feud broke out causing the group to shred to pieces! The once peaceful big gang was peaceful no more! Cause of the 'divorce' - irreconcilable difference!
Since I don't like to get my fingers dirty with the fight, I minded my own business..I had Viwa and I could get by everyday with a friend like her! But the worse was yet to come - during my PRO1, Viwa asked me a weird question, 'What would you do without me?' I jokingly told her that 'I will survive without her!'
True enough, Viwa had received offer to study Pharmacy in Penang - we discussed and I knew it was good that she took the offer. When she announced her decision to move, everyone discouraged her by saying - that she has wasted 1 year here; that it would be a harder course; that everyone was gonna miss her!
None of the discouraging comments made a budge until they pulled me into the comment - what is Jessmine gonna do?? Are you gonna leave her alone??
That made her think! She asked me repeatedly whether I would be alright without her around to pick me up everytime I fall & get hurt..and I assured that I will be fine! I can't deprive Viwa of a good future--I have no right! Viwa has to study elsewhere & I need to grow up! I can't depend on her to protect me..I have to do it myself!
Saying all those things to her - I felt like a politician - empty promises! The truth is Viwa was the only thing tying me to the Indian community - my personal translator - my gap-bridger! I didn't feel all this when I told Viwa that I would be fine but when she was gone! All hell broke loose!
Beginning of 2nd year was a real mess for me - I was alone most of the time. Off and on, Viwa would call me asking me how I was doing & I would tell her everything. It made me realise how alone one can be in this world. So I began focusing on chuch activity & tried to numb my loneliness with studies.
Thanks to church activities..I became closer to Lync & by some miracle I became close to Ai Soon. The 3 of us became best buds! Now, when I look back - I can't believe how life has swirled for me and yet I still manage to anchor my feet right to the ground! I, who was once alone, had Lync, Ai Soon, Huey Nee & uncle gang as my friends! A new group of people I never knew I would have befriended!
Nevertheless, I'm ever thankful for having met such great friends! Now, 3rd year is over and I'm gonna enter my 4th year..
Tricky part about 4th year is that we won't get to meet most of your friends like we used to - we are gonna kiss our free time goodbye!
It feels like starting all over again..it feels like my 2nd year all over again! I'm afraid that I might be alone again and I'm afraid that I might not have anyone to confide in in times of trouble! I'm afraid that I might not be able to face the worst on my own! I'm afraid most of the fact that I'm afraid of thought of being afraid! *If that even makes sense*
But, eventhough I make look like I walk alone..the truth is I'm not..PAPA always sees me through me all! When there was only 1 footprint on the sand, that was when HE carried me..And I'm gonna let HIM carry me all the way through this!
So, PAPA, I've no idea what YOU have planned for me but let YOUR will be done. I don't know what to do or where to go, so if there is something YOU disapprove of - please slap me in the face & wake me up! Carve my path & guide my way, PAPA. I'm afraid but YOU hold tomorrow! AMEN!