Life's LESSON

Saw your post but couldn't reply when I'm overly emo-fied..

Now, since I've calmed down and thinking sanely, I want to make myself crystal clear..

Yes..I did say that I'm gonna let it go..

but do you think my friendship is that shallow??

So shallow that I can just forget someone just with a wink of an eye??

When I call someone my friend, I love them with all my heart..

I will be willing to sacrifice even if it ends up hurting me..

All just to see the other person smile and be happy..

And you expect me to just forget??

Maybe you don't know me as much as you think you do..

but all my attempts to hurt her hurts me even more..

my attempts and my actions are my way of punishing myself..

I want to punish myself for caring for people the way I did..

I want to punish myself for allowing people to hurt me the way they did..

I want to punish myself so that I won't make the same mistake of caring for others the way I did for her..

I want to punish myself so that I don't repeat this mistake in the future..

Have you been hurt the way I have??

if you don't, you DEFINITELY don't know what it is like to be

the ONLY ONE who cares without being cared back

the ONLY ONE who loves without being loved back

Because it hurts much more that it looks

and I have been hurt a lot..

I don't expect people to take pity on me

or remind me of all the things I've done for her..

or pour fire to the already burning flames..

I just want people to be considerate when handling this issue..

'Coz I've learnt my lesson..

I'm not gonna let anyone close to me anymore..

or care for anyone anymore..

'Coz people have gotta change if they are to survive in this cruel world..

Hope it is not too much to ask of you..

BBGS (a timeless LEGACY)

Listening to a collection of Michael Jackson's songs..

suddenly flew me back to my secondary school days..

reminded me of my choir team

reminded me of my drama crew

reminded me of my choral speaking class

reminded me of my prefectorial board

reminded me of group of girlfriends..

suddenly really missing them!

Li Peng, Poh Yee, Fui Sze, Fiona, Ai Ling..

I think one of my fondest memories of my secondary school days was the drama..

'Ben James : How it ended'

in the beginning, our class was very passive

my form 4 class..

but my close friend Poh Yee told me that she wanted to act in the drama

so, we did, we started the play with just scrap..

but things began to build up

Jo did the script and the actor(essess) were picked out

As the plot progressed, my class grew more and more excited!

We used every second we could to practise..

We found every excuse to practise..

and every other classess envied 4Alpha..

there was chemistry between the 31 of us..

and our class teacher..

oh my class teacher!!

haha..I still smile whenever I think of her..

she cheered on for us..

and we loved her..

very very much!!

We bagged the best script, best actor, best supporting actor award!

and of course, best DRAMA!!

I remember the class running up the stage

and we gloated about our victory for a long time!!

Years later, I returned to school

STPM results had just come out,

and I was waiting for my university application results..

the vice principal asked me to help out with their shortage of teachers..

my first day in school, a student

who was 4 years my junior

(I don't really know my juniors actually)

well, she said..

"Teacher, I remembered you acting in your class' play!"

before long, the whole class began talking about the play..

at that moment,

I remembered thinking..

I have left a legacy behind..

I have left behind a name that was spoken off years after I left the school..

I felt as if I had accomplished something..

I felt as if I had touched the hearts of some..

I felt as if I had influenced and inspired some..

My Little CHILD

Watching many movies, I realised the rapidly increasing rate of divorces among the society and I keep wondering..why are the parents so blind to see the suffering of the children?? Do they not know that their actions affect their children and that the children would be torn between the love of their parents??



I used to be furious with the parents who would rather break-up for the sake of their own comfort without thinking about the 'product of their love'..it is as if they didn't even want to try to make things right..but somehow I managed to see The divorced parents' world from their eyes..



I was very close to this one girl, R, and another, J. We, J and I, would take care of R like our younger sister! We really care for her..but when J and I fell apart, I thought only the blocks in my world were tearing down - I thought only I was affected by this 'irreconcilable difference'..



I tried at many occasions to make things right but they were mere futile attempts. I guess like everything, my attempt to make things right had an expiration date - one that was comparable to a spoilt milk - not something you would want to get into you intestines!



Anyway, while I was gripping with the realities of my 'break-up' (mind you, I'm absolutely straight - but for the purpose of this discussion I'm comparing myself with a married couple), a more sinister event was happening to my Little child R..



She was a collateral damage in our feud..



It was unfair to bring her into the midst of the flames..
It was unfair to keep her in the dark about all that is going on..
And like a small child, I doubt she was able to comprehend the gravity of her "parent's" position..



So, to you, my Little R, I'm sorry for not being able to patch things up and I can't promise we would be like we used to - but I can promise you that I will try..and I will always love like you my little child..

HeartLESS

It IS official! I have been drawn and suck into the sack!! Its is a regular practise to discuss my patient's with daddy. He likes listening to medical stuff and he enjoys discussing cases with me though, he may not understand half of the things I tell him. He always told me to listen to them - the patients - treat them as humans, like family, have more heart..

But today, I knew, I haven't taking heed of the advices given to me..I have 1 week left to complete my logbook and I am way behind!! I only have myself to blame. I know very well that surgery would be heavy but I still took a chance and went back - I didn't regret making that choice but I regret not trying and working harder..

What happened was..I was hunting for a 'testicular swelling' patient
*note my 1st mistake - i hunt based on case! i treat my patient as mere cases!

And we found one, but he was away from his bed. So, we decided to see other potential logbook-fillers while waiting for his return. After 2 hours had lapsed, we went back to find the 'testicular swelling'..

To our relieve, he was there laying very still on his bed - he had just undergone an operation. He was only 28 years old. We thought, for courtesy sake, we would chat with him before pushing his details into our logbook.

As we were talking, i felt something my heart sinking - a tear almost ran down my cheeks.

He cannot walk. He had endured a spinal cord injury 1 year ago (when he was only 27 YEARS OLD!). Since the incident, he had been totally dependent.

Unable to walk; passes urine into a catheterisation bag; passes motion with the help of an enema; an adopted son and only GOD knows how 'supportive' his family is in taking care of him!

And here I am - have functional limbs, a roof above my head, but am worrying about such petty things. I truly am heartless..maybe there was no heart to begin with..

i met JESUS today!

I went to church yesterday and at first I was very much reluctant but luckily I decided to go..Though it was not a sermon from Father, it was good nonetheless..

Uncle Joseph did the communion service and I liked..no,no, LOVED the story he told. I have to write and share this with everyone!

A school boy was walking back home through the park - a route he always takes on his way back from school. It was a cozy Monday afternoon. The sun was bright but the boy had something on his mind.

He was thinking about what his Sunday school teacher had told him the day before - "Jesus is in everyone you meet and so share your things with those around you" rang her words.

As the school boy was walking, he saw an old lady sitting on a bench all alone. He walked up to her and offered her a bar of chocolate. The lady was astounded by the gesture!

After giving her the gift, the school boy began walking back and just then, he stopped at his footsteps and ran back to the old lady. He stood in front of her and gave a big hug. Again, the lady was suprised!

The school boy then left and upon reaching home, his mom noticed a big smile on him and asked "What happened?" And so, the school boy told "Mom, I met Jesus today!I shared my chocolate with Jesus today!"

Back in an old dusty apartment, the old lady returned to attend to her sick sister and her sister asked as to what had made her smile so brightly and the old lady said "Sister, I met Jesus today. He was a lot younger than I thought but I loved Him still and He had put a smile in my heart!"

*Speechless*

After millions of years, I finally went online and made a guest appearance on MSN and within seconds my high school friend contacted me. After 5 long minutes lecturing me about not going online, he told me what he had been waiting to tell me - he was on the verge of breaking up.

WHAT !!!!???? Apparently, my middle man forgot to signal me about this Pentagon issue and I was left in the dark. It was kinda weird for me since I guided him from the fishing phase to the confessing phase. And to see this relationship crumble like a deck of cards is really heart-wrecking.

Believe it or not, some people do not have flings - they put themselves out there because they believe that the person they like is someone important. This friend is one such person. Seeing that I'm extremely emotional together and current situation is in no way helping my mood, just want to set something straight :

1. People give their hearts not to give you the authority to break them - you are supposed to cherish it.

2. Learn to forgive - love gives you the strength to believe that people can change even if that isn't the case in most instances but it won't hurt you to try.

3. Be careful about what you do and what you say. Don't put yourself in a questionable position.

4. Be honest and share your feelings. Both sides would prefer if you can talk about the problem instead of letting it to pile up but don't raise your voice.

5. If you don't want others to do this to you, don't do it to others.

The Larger PICTURE

All my life I was being told of whom to be, of what to do, of what to say but at some point, I just took a step back and thought for a second..Who am I?? What am I doing?? What am I saying?? It suddenly dawned on me that I was nothing more than a robot computed to do as what I was told. If I was to be put on auto-drive, why did GOD give me a brain?? So that it can rot??

Well, I began questioning the world. I rejected if I was told to conform to the norms of this world. I rebelled against those who wanted to make me one of their clones. My methods may not be conventional and I am, actually, ostracised at times but that has never wavered me from who I am. People have begun labelling me as being aggressive. I was hurt, nonetheless, but when I looked back – I wasn’t learning for them – heck! I was doing this for me!

I don’t understand why some people feel threatened by others. Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to decide whether you want to do something? Say, if you see A talking to a patient and asking the patient about his medical condition, do you feel like clerking the patient because you WANT to or because you are afraid that A learn more things compared to you?

The answer is quite straightforward actually. If you can’t answer this at a glimpse, then, honey, you and I are never going to be on the same page. I am here to learn to be the best that I can, not to be better than anyone. Everyone has their flaws and I would not want to be in anyone else’s shoes. Why should I? And if people, as immature as they can be, want to continue ignoring me like a fly on the wall, so be it! I’m looking at the larger picture! And the painting doesn’t only contain you and me..

Lent 2011

Being in Paediatrics posting has had its perks but since it is the beginning of Lent, I want to relate something happened today. Its my 2011 Lent struggle.

Prof Hans entered the room with a glare (and no, its not from his polished scalp!). He divided us into several small groups - with colleagues outside our 'click' and made us discuss several topics. He spiced up the session by saying that points will be awarded according to groups during presentation and when we are able to answer the questions asked. Fair enough! What other way to make a mute class talk?!

I guess his intentions were at the right place - colleagues in my class will not open their mouths - like mom would say it - as if (they) are hiding gold in the (their) mouth. What was initially an ice-breaker, later turned into frenzy - I felt as if I was in a shop which has declared sale! Everyone were racing to answer the question - well done Prof Hans!

But here is the turn off - it was not just to answer the question - everyone wanted to trample over the other group - to be awarded the highest point. It became really obvious when a presenter shut an audience up point blank and I was stunned! I must say the audience was a tad bit annoying but didn't it defeat the purpose of the whose session??

People said that when you enter Paediatric posting, you gotta blend in with the kids but shouting at each other in front of class and acting like kids?! But this is RI-DICK-ULOUS!!

That was only part of this opening day of Lent - more were to come..
Last time, I used to give everyone the benefit of doubt (innocent until proven otherwise) - I used to think and everyone were nice and lovely people despite my mom's constant reminding that they could be killers and rapers lurking amongst you! I guess if someone did something wrong, I would reason for them and excuse them off their mistakes. How far wrong could I get, I cannot further express..

I guess people are not always what they seem - maybe deep down I knew and I felt it but I just refused to believe it. A friend once told me this - Friends are to use and to be used. I felt so hurt hearing those words - furious even! I used to believe that one person is enough to change the world and we should be the change we want to see. I'm not some Beauty pageant contestant who merely says that she wants world peace and wishes that someday, magically, the world will transform.But I try hard to be at peace with people. All things said, I've only but one conclusion - humans are as stubborn as mules if not more. Who am I kidding? No one is gonna change - people are gonna keep using people and victims are gonna continue getting hurt. So, on this Lent 2011, I officially step down from this purposeless, not to mention, futile crusade. I'm done fighting, its time I grew up and join the world in its nothingness..