What defines me??

This year, I’ve lost everything that has ever meant something to me. I remember this line by Blue which sang “it is funny how life can change, can flip 180 within a matter of days”. Truth is, life is like a rail-road – if derail even an inch, life’s train may course to the other end of the world.
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.



But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.


When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..

Don't LEAD her on!!

I love seeing the good things in people no matter how ugly they are but what breaks my heart are the things man are capable of doing..

I used to think that GOD was really mean when He brought about the Great Flood - when only Noah and his ark's contents survived but thinking back..GOD did the right thing! I can't stand seeing the bad things man are capable of doing anymore..its really heart-wrecking..

I've only been away from KL for 6 weeks and everything is in a mess!! I learnt something really startling that I find hard to digest..

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER DON'T LEAD HER ON!!

I find it that some guys enjoy giving hope to girls..leading them on to believe that they have feelings for their innocent victims! When the girls have fallen for them - they prey on their victims..taking advantage of them in every way possible..

These people just stained my respect for them..I'm extremely careful when choosing friends but I just realised how wrong my jugdement's for people can be..I gave her the go-no go and I'm responsible for what happened to her!

How careful should I be some more?? Why should people be so cruel?? My heart hurts looking at these perverts!! Why LORD!? I feel as if everything has been a lie..LORD, I don't know how to take care of people anymore..Please don't let me give up hope in people, LORD..

SeCrEtS..

When someone entrusts you with a secret, its like giving others the keys to your house. That person has full access to your information and your interior but does that give that person the right to enter YOUR house without YOUR permission??

I understand that there are things we hide from each other from time to time. Some small some collossal..But at some point of time, when we can take it no more, we find refuge in those around us to keep our hidden agendas..An intimate thought, a sweet private message, unacceptable actions - things we want to keep private, we reveal them to people we 'presumably' trust.

What I loathe most is distrust! Some people claim that they told others because they were forced too! So, let me ask you this..Did they put a sword around your neck and unless you tell them they will slaughter your head?? Did they plot a scheme to banish you from your country?? Did they drug you into a state of hynotism that you blurted out everything unconsciously??

Everyone is given a choice..No one is forced to do anything..If you are not capable to keeping the smallest of secrets..let alone Pentagon crisis!! Secret keeping is beautiful cause it brings people closer..to share a bond..Don't ruin it for others..Because of people of you, others refuse to share anything with anyone..and that is just plain sad..Cause they might be keeping a secret they can't keep and not telling it to others might just throw them over the edge..

Sometimes, I wish it is re-spelled as SeCrEtS cause it takes longer time to encrypt then to just blurted it out as secrets!

IT..

It was a trend during primary school for me to change my pencil box every year. They were of different colours, different sizes different designs..in short, no two pencil boxes were the same – wow, now when i think about it, i think the pencil boxes would call me the play girl of pencil boxes! Its a joke! Please laugh! Haha

Then, when i was in standard 5, my parents decided to ‘upgrade’ my pencil box status to a larger size..i mean since i was gonna go to secondary school in a few years and would have to carry more stuff to school. So, they got me a rectangular broad-based, doubled layer Minnie Mouse pencil box..and I LOVED IT SOOOO MUCH!! Of all the four years possessing different pencil boxes, i knew that this pencil box was different..deep down in my heart, i knew that IT was special..

Childish as this may seem, I remember slowly uttering this to IT, “I’ll never let anything happen to you – not a scratch shall befall you, no one would be allowed to open you without my supervision..” (Of course, when I was young, due to limitation in my vocabulary – i simplified and said – no one can touch you except me or ill kill them!!)

And, this Minnie Mouse pencil box took care of me as well..Whenever my day was horrible – afraid that the teacher was gonna scold me for not completing my homework – one look at IT and i would feel happy again. Nothing could make me feel alone since i had my trustful companion beside me!

Then, one day, as i was busy hunting down students who had books way past their library due date, my friend, without my knowledge opened IT and borrowed a pen. Due to her negligence, she dropped IT and IT came crushing down like humpty dumpty, with a gigantic dent on IT’s surface!

I came back to my class and i could see the fearful face of that girl just watching my every move. When my hands touched IT, i knew something had happened. I quickly brought IT out and saw the defect on my-once-perfect IT. Emotions mingled within me and i could feel tears strolling down my cheeks – i was more saddened of the thought that my IT wasn’t the same anymore rather than angry over the perpetrator. My heart crashed to the ground. I remember being extremely quiet that day – no playing after school – instead continued my water works in the back seat of the bus. The rest of 1998, i treated IT the same – i made sure i took extra care when opening IT and sprinkled IT with perfume and kept IT in my collection of pencil boxes till today.

I think – for me to remember this story after so long meant that there was a lesson i was to learn from IT. When you gamble caring for something too much, there are chances that IT might get dented along the way. My challenge would be to not view IT any differently but to continue taking care of IT come whatever. Everyone and everything is flawed, hope im able to look pass that flaw..LORD, help me..

Its a MIRACLE!!

Today was one of those days when I was sulking into self-pity..aish don't ask! Anyway, as I was walking towards ORL department for a 11.30, I recalled the fateful Saturday when my life seemed really bleak..and I told myself that my problems were nothing to what I had been through in the past..'I had paddled through the ferocious storm and survived, I can do this!' I consoled..

Suddenly, his image projected in my mind..I saw him smiling back to me..I could hear him greeting me but I knew he was no more..Then, images of that Saturday flashed like an eerie nightmare..I fastened my pace trying to concentrate on walking instead of thinking of the past..What is done is done..There was nothing I could do anymore..Just got to live with it!!

5 minutes - just in time before the Lecturer closed the door behind me..I took my place in the second row and prepared my mind for another eventless day with potential tragedy awaiting me..I was getting comfortable in my seat when I saw him..and I could feel my face curving into a smile..

I saw my Uncle!! The lecturer looked exactly like him!! His height, his skin colour, his moustache - he even had a sense of humour just like him!! Yes, Prof. Shahid looked like he was wearing a wig but the image just stunned me!!

I knew it was PAPA's funny way cheering me up but HE did it..It really made my day..A tear almost trickled down my cheeks but I refrained..I realised that I don't only see my uncle in those who are sick and helpless but also in those around me who are not in despair..Wanted to tell my parents but I'm afraid it might stir up water-works..I'll keep this to myself..I'm not at home where I can visit him often but I know that if I miss him..I can always visit him in ORL department..

Fatty Died(T.T)

Fatty Fatty Bom Bom,
Curi Curi Jagung..
I'll miss you Fatty..

Half empty, Half FULL

I never understood the idiom : See the cup as half full..
I mean if the cup contains milk (and I HATE milk) I would wish it was half empty right? On the other hand, if it was filled it luscious hot chocolate - hmm, now that's a different story! I would like to see my cup as full and savour every single drop of that chocolate-y flavour..Well, you get the picture..See-ing the cup as half full means to see the good side of things, people or a situation..

Before I made this revelation (about the half full, half empty thing), the Priest told a very interesting story..Mind you, I heard this story when I was in Form 4 and it is still engraved in my mind..Everytime I feel down, I listen this story replay-ing in my mind..

He said,

There was once a married couple who had twin sons. Though they looked the same, their attitudes were at world's ends. The elder son was very pessismistic - he always grumbles and sees the flaws in everything. The younger was totally different - an absolute optimist. Realising this, the parents decided to try 'level'-ing their sons attitude - to make one less pessismistic and make the other less optimistic.
So, for the boys 7th birthday, the parents both them different presents..

First, they brought the eldest son to the barn and gave him a horse. The boy grunted and said 'A horse! But I will have to clean up when he poops! Why are you giving me such a big responsibility on my birthday!?'

They, then brought the younger son to then barn and presented him a poop. The young one said 'A horse's poop!! YEAH!! If there is a horse's poop, there would be a horse somewhere around here!! Thank you Mummy! Thank you Daddy!! I couldn't have asked for anything more!'

Moral of the story is that, we can choose to see a difficulty any way we want to. No matter how big a problem comes, there is always an end to it - we just have to hang on and push forward till we arrive at the end of the road. No matter what happens, I'm gonna try to savour every single drop of that chocolate milk of mine and cherish every single memory of it. GOD bless=)