Being in Paediatrics posting has had its perks but since it is the beginning of Lent, I want to relate something happened today. Its my 2011 Lent struggle.
Prof Hans entered the room with a glare (and no, its not from his polished scalp!). He divided us into several small groups - with colleagues outside our 'click' and made us discuss several topics. He spiced up the session by saying that points will be awarded according to groups during presentation and when we are able to answer the questions asked. Fair enough! What other way to make a mute class talk?!
I guess his intentions were at the right place - colleagues in my class will not open their mouths - like mom would say it - as if (they) are hiding gold in the (their) mouth. What was initially an ice-breaker, later turned into frenzy - I felt as if I was in a shop which has declared sale! Everyone were racing to answer the question - well done Prof Hans!
But here is the turn off - it was not just to answer the question - everyone wanted to trample over the other group - to be awarded the highest point. It became really obvious when a presenter shut an audience up point blank and I was stunned! I must say the audience was a tad bit annoying but didn't it defeat the purpose of the whose session??
People said that when you enter Paediatric posting, you gotta blend in with the kids but shouting at each other in front of class and acting like kids?! But this is RI-DICK-ULOUS!!
That was only part of this opening day of Lent - more were to come..
Last time, I used to give everyone the benefit of doubt (innocent until proven otherwise) - I used to think and everyone were nice and lovely people despite my mom's constant reminding that they could be killers and rapers lurking amongst you! I guess if someone did something wrong, I would reason for them and excuse them off their mistakes. How far wrong could I get, I cannot further express..
I guess people are not always what they seem - maybe deep down I knew and I felt it but I just refused to believe it. A friend once told me this - Friends are to use and to be used. I felt so hurt hearing those words - furious even! I used to believe that one person is enough to change the world and we should be the change we want to see. I'm not some Beauty pageant contestant who merely says that she wants world peace and wishes that someday, magically, the world will transform.But I try hard to be at peace with people. All things said, I've only but one conclusion - humans are as stubborn as mules if not more. Who am I kidding? No one is gonna change - people are gonna keep using people and victims are gonna continue getting hurt. So, on this Lent 2011, I officially step down from this purposeless, not to mention, futile crusade. I'm done fighting, its time I grew up and join the world in its nothingness..
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
All I want for Christmas..
We were packing to leave for Malacca. It was 10.30pm and I was going to hit the deck for I'll be driving tomorrow when Dad's phone rang.
'We are outside the house!' the voice said. It was Auntie Ranee with Uncle David and my 2 cousins - right there at out doorstep. They were around for a short while and soon after left
Anyway, Dad waved them goodbye at the porch while the rest 3 of us just waved our goodbyes from the door. In my defense, it was late!
Just as the car pulled away, the unthinkable happened! I saw Dad bang his leg against the corner stone. Thumbled. I felt myself catch my breath when I saw Dad moved forward loss control of his footing. My heart was too scared to see the fall and my hears wanted to shut the bang. But there was no bang! Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw Dad standing.
Mom shouted praises 'coz if he had fallen, well I don't want to think about it. I've witnessed it many times this year. I don't plan to relive it - my heart won't take it again. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Pat sitepa - I know you will always pray for your best friend!
Thinking now - I realised something. I'm scared. I'm afraid that people I love might be taken away from me. I'm afraid to do the same thing that has led to tragedies. I just want to confess certain things here, Lord :
1. I'm afraid to drive tomorrow.
Jessica drove to Penang last year when Pat sitepa was sick and was about to undergo a major
surgery. I'm driving this year and Dad is gonna undergo a cataract surgery.
2. I'm afraid to check my parents.
I checked my Uncle. Did physical examination on him and he passed away. I'm afraid to check
Dad - afraid I might find things I can't handle.
3. I'm afraid to be too happy.
I love laughing but recently, I laugh heartily then all of a sudden, I get scared and stop. All the
that had happened would rewind and I begin faking my laughs.
I'm afraid Lord, that if I don't change things, the past might repeat itself. Lord, Your coming is suppose to give hope to the mankind that everything has been taken cared of. That You are gonna take away all the pain, all the fear, all the failures, all the sadness. Lord, You know that I love You right? Then, you should know how much a girl loves her dad. 'Coz You are my PAPA. Lord, please take care of Dad. I might look tough and self-sufficient sometimes but You know my heart more than anyone in this world. And You know that my heart is filled with more fear than it used to. I don't mind if I don't get any gift this year or I'll all my presents and offer them to Yoy but promise me that You will take care of my loved ones. That is all I want for Christmas..
'We are outside the house!' the voice said. It was Auntie Ranee with Uncle David and my 2 cousins - right there at out doorstep. They were around for a short while and soon after left
Anyway, Dad waved them goodbye at the porch while the rest 3 of us just waved our goodbyes from the door. In my defense, it was late!
Just as the car pulled away, the unthinkable happened! I saw Dad bang his leg against the corner stone. Thumbled. I felt myself catch my breath when I saw Dad moved forward loss control of his footing. My heart was too scared to see the fall and my hears wanted to shut the bang. But there was no bang! Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw Dad standing.
Mom shouted praises 'coz if he had fallen, well I don't want to think about it. I've witnessed it many times this year. I don't plan to relive it - my heart won't take it again. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Pat sitepa - I know you will always pray for your best friend!
Thinking now - I realised something. I'm scared. I'm afraid that people I love might be taken away from me. I'm afraid to do the same thing that has led to tragedies. I just want to confess certain things here, Lord :
1. I'm afraid to drive tomorrow.
Jessica drove to Penang last year when Pat sitepa was sick and was about to undergo a major
surgery. I'm driving this year and Dad is gonna undergo a cataract surgery.
2. I'm afraid to check my parents.
I checked my Uncle. Did physical examination on him and he passed away. I'm afraid to check
Dad - afraid I might find things I can't handle.
3. I'm afraid to be too happy.
I love laughing but recently, I laugh heartily then all of a sudden, I get scared and stop. All the
that had happened would rewind and I begin faking my laughs.
I'm afraid Lord, that if I don't change things, the past might repeat itself. Lord, Your coming is suppose to give hope to the mankind that everything has been taken cared of. That You are gonna take away all the pain, all the fear, all the failures, all the sadness. Lord, You know that I love You right? Then, you should know how much a girl loves her dad. 'Coz You are my PAPA. Lord, please take care of Dad. I might look tough and self-sufficient sometimes but You know my heart more than anyone in this world. And You know that my heart is filled with more fear than it used to. I don't mind if I don't get any gift this year or I'll all my presents and offer them to Yoy but promise me that You will take care of my loved ones. That is all I want for Christmas..
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Waving our final goodbyes..
I remember being 12 – I’ve just successfully augmented my primary school status and I was going to a prestigious school when the new semester re-opened. I remember that new year’s eve..
It was a tradition for my family to celebrate new year in church – grandma said we should start of the new year with GOD in our life and the year will be blest. But that was a special year – Earth was moving into her new century..
The whole world was worried as to whether at-that-time-not-so-sophisticated computer were able to make the transition from 1999 to 2000 – including my parents – Mom was worried whether her computer were able to recover her insurance clients’ details while Dad was worried whether his virtual blueprints would still be there when he returned to work..I guess everyone in church that day were only physically in church while their minds were wandering off about the respective work..
Not me!! I was there physically and mentally – I remember talking to PAPA..'Where will I be in 10 years time? What would I be doing? How will my life be?’ If I knew then the things I know now, I wouldn’t have asked that question..
I wish I could tell that 12 year-old Jessmine not to think about the future and live in the present..
Today, I received a sad news (again..). My granduncle passed away in Kuantan. When Mom broke the news to me, I went silent. Suddenly, the memories came streaming in. I remember that he used to visit us often. I remember playing London Bridge with him. I remember teasing him for his androgenic male baldness and he me for the 2 empty spaces where my tooth used to be – my tooth grew, can’t say the same for him though. I remember him asking Lin and me to call him London tata..I remember..
I guess I’m glad that he left us memories for us to remember him..
It was a tradition for my family to celebrate new year in church – grandma said we should start of the new year with GOD in our life and the year will be blest. But that was a special year – Earth was moving into her new century..
The whole world was worried as to whether at-that-time-not-so-sophisticated computer were able to make the transition from 1999 to 2000 – including my parents – Mom was worried whether her computer were able to recover her insurance clients’ details while Dad was worried whether his virtual blueprints would still be there when he returned to work..I guess everyone in church that day were only physically in church while their minds were wandering off about the respective work..
Not me!! I was there physically and mentally – I remember talking to PAPA..'Where will I be in 10 years time? What would I be doing? How will my life be?’ If I knew then the things I know now, I wouldn’t have asked that question..
I wish I could tell that 12 year-old Jessmine not to think about the future and live in the present..
Today, I received a sad news (again..). My granduncle passed away in Kuantan. When Mom broke the news to me, I went silent. Suddenly, the memories came streaming in. I remember that he used to visit us often. I remember playing London Bridge with him. I remember teasing him for his androgenic male baldness and he me for the 2 empty spaces where my tooth used to be – my tooth grew, can’t say the same for him though. I remember him asking Lin and me to call him London tata..I remember..
I guess I’m glad that he left us memories for us to remember him..
Friday, December 10, 2010
Adventure..
Have you ever felt as if you were made for something bigger – as if there is an adventure out there with you name on it – as if with one turn, your life is gonna take a different route? Some 200 years ago, this wise dude came up with the Existential Theory which states that – perceived void in existence and living is the central concept of chronic anxiety. Basically, what he was trying to say is that – we need to taste freedom and thrill in order to live, or we will feel like a cuckoo bird keyed up in a cage!
I reflect on my orderly scheduled, routine life now and I know that there has got to be more to life. There is more to just studying; more to chasing time; more to completing your assignments! There has got to be more to life! I want to be part of Amazing Race..or want to climb the highest mountain..or want to backpack through the historical cities and discover new people, new story, new experience..
Maybe I'm trying to live in my Disney movies where Princessess meet Princes and they go on a wild magical journey but seriously..if you come to think of it..GOD didn't make us to get all stressed and burnt out right!? I wish I can stumble upon my adventure one day..Maybe waiting for it is half the advneture on its own..
I reflect on my orderly scheduled, routine life now and I know that there has got to be more to life. There is more to just studying; more to chasing time; more to completing your assignments! There has got to be more to life! I want to be part of Amazing Race..or want to climb the highest mountain..or want to backpack through the historical cities and discover new people, new story, new experience..
Maybe I'm trying to live in my Disney movies where Princessess meet Princes and they go on a wild magical journey but seriously..if you come to think of it..GOD didn't make us to get all stressed and burnt out right!? I wish I can stumble upon my adventure one day..Maybe waiting for it is half the advneture on its own..
Sunday, December 5, 2010
SMILE =)
When we were young, my sister used to enjoy watching National Geographic Channel..She enjoyed staring at animals - don't ask me why!? She is weird! Haha..anyways, I was forced to watch the same channel 'coz if I even so as to think about changing the channel, she will bring the roof down!
Anyways, one day, there was a documentary - this group of scientist (I think they were running out of ideas of what they should research on!) tried to analyse the link between a person's smile and their future..
Their hypothesis went something like this - those with a genuine smile will live a happier life compared to those who don't. It was really interesting..their subjects were high school students from 1950s..They analysed the students' smile based on their yearbook picture and traced each and everyone of them to investigate as to how their lives were..
True enough, those who were genuinely smiling back in the 1950s yearbook picture lead a happier life - INTERESTING RIGHT!!
I was listening to the Charlie Chaplin song, Smile, yesterday and this documentary came to mind..So, just smile even when your life looks bleak and useless..I want to share this beautiful song..
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Anyways, one day, there was a documentary - this group of scientist (I think they were running out of ideas of what they should research on!) tried to analyse the link between a person's smile and their future..
Their hypothesis went something like this - those with a genuine smile will live a happier life compared to those who don't. It was really interesting..their subjects were high school students from 1950s..They analysed the students' smile based on their yearbook picture and traced each and everyone of them to investigate as to how their lives were..
True enough, those who were genuinely smiling back in the 1950s yearbook picture lead a happier life - INTERESTING RIGHT!!
I was listening to the Charlie Chaplin song, Smile, yesterday and this documentary came to mind..So, just smile even when your life looks bleak and useless..I want to share this beautiful song..
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you Smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you Smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
What defines me??
This year, I’ve lost everything that has ever meant something to me. I remember this line by Blue which sang “it is funny how life can change, can flip 180 within a matter of days”. Truth is, life is like a rail-road – if derail even an inch, life’s train may course to the other end of the world.
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.
But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.
When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.
But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.
When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..
Friday, November 5, 2010
Don't LEAD her on!!
I love seeing the good things in people no matter how ugly they are but what breaks my heart are the things man are capable of doing..
I used to think that GOD was really mean when He brought about the Great Flood - when only Noah and his ark's contents survived but thinking back..GOD did the right thing! I can't stand seeing the bad things man are capable of doing anymore..its really heart-wrecking..
I've only been away from KL for 6 weeks and everything is in a mess!! I learnt something really startling that I find hard to digest..
I used to think that GOD was really mean when He brought about the Great Flood - when only Noah and his ark's contents survived but thinking back..GOD did the right thing! I can't stand seeing the bad things man are capable of doing anymore..its really heart-wrecking..
I've only been away from KL for 6 weeks and everything is in a mess!! I learnt something really startling that I find hard to digest..
IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER DON'T LEAD HER ON!!
I find it that some guys enjoy giving hope to girls..leading them on to believe that they have feelings for their innocent victims! When the girls have fallen for them - they prey on their victims..taking advantage of them in every way possible..
These people just stained my respect for them..I'm extremely careful when choosing friends but I just realised how wrong my jugdement's for people can be..I gave her the go-no go and I'm responsible for what happened to her!
How careful should I be some more?? Why should people be so cruel?? My heart hurts looking at these perverts!! Why LORD!? I feel as if everything has been a lie..LORD, I don't know how to take care of people anymore..Please don't let me give up hope in people, LORD..
These people just stained my respect for them..I'm extremely careful when choosing friends but I just realised how wrong my jugdement's for people can be..I gave her the go-no go and I'm responsible for what happened to her!
How careful should I be some more?? Why should people be so cruel?? My heart hurts looking at these perverts!! Why LORD!? I feel as if everything has been a lie..LORD, I don't know how to take care of people anymore..Please don't let me give up hope in people, LORD..
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