Life's LESSON

Saw your post but couldn't reply when I'm overly emo-fied..

Now, since I've calmed down and thinking sanely, I want to make myself crystal clear..

Yes..I did say that I'm gonna let it go..

but do you think my friendship is that shallow??

So shallow that I can just forget someone just with a wink of an eye??

When I call someone my friend, I love them with all my heart..

I will be willing to sacrifice even if it ends up hurting me..

All just to see the other person smile and be happy..

And you expect me to just forget??

Maybe you don't know me as much as you think you do..

but all my attempts to hurt her hurts me even more..

my attempts and my actions are my way of punishing myself..

I want to punish myself for caring for people the way I did..

I want to punish myself for allowing people to hurt me the way they did..

I want to punish myself so that I won't make the same mistake of caring for others the way I did for her..

I want to punish myself so that I don't repeat this mistake in the future..

Have you been hurt the way I have??

if you don't, you DEFINITELY don't know what it is like to be

the ONLY ONE who cares without being cared back

the ONLY ONE who loves without being loved back

Because it hurts much more that it looks

and I have been hurt a lot..

I don't expect people to take pity on me

or remind me of all the things I've done for her..

or pour fire to the already burning flames..

I just want people to be considerate when handling this issue..

'Coz I've learnt my lesson..

I'm not gonna let anyone close to me anymore..

or care for anyone anymore..

'Coz people have gotta change if they are to survive in this cruel world..

Hope it is not too much to ask of you..

BBGS (a timeless LEGACY)

Listening to a collection of Michael Jackson's songs..

suddenly flew me back to my secondary school days..

reminded me of my choir team

reminded me of my drama crew

reminded me of my choral speaking class

reminded me of my prefectorial board

reminded me of group of girlfriends..

suddenly really missing them!

Li Peng, Poh Yee, Fui Sze, Fiona, Ai Ling..

I think one of my fondest memories of my secondary school days was the drama..

'Ben James : How it ended'

in the beginning, our class was very passive

my form 4 class..

but my close friend Poh Yee told me that she wanted to act in the drama

so, we did, we started the play with just scrap..

but things began to build up

Jo did the script and the actor(essess) were picked out

As the plot progressed, my class grew more and more excited!

We used every second we could to practise..

We found every excuse to practise..

and every other classess envied 4Alpha..

there was chemistry between the 31 of us..

and our class teacher..

oh my class teacher!!

haha..I still smile whenever I think of her..

she cheered on for us..

and we loved her..

very very much!!

We bagged the best script, best actor, best supporting actor award!

and of course, best DRAMA!!

I remember the class running up the stage

and we gloated about our victory for a long time!!

Years later, I returned to school

STPM results had just come out,

and I was waiting for my university application results..

the vice principal asked me to help out with their shortage of teachers..

my first day in school, a student

who was 4 years my junior

(I don't really know my juniors actually)

well, she said..

"Teacher, I remembered you acting in your class' play!"

before long, the whole class began talking about the play..

at that moment,

I remembered thinking..

I have left a legacy behind..

I have left behind a name that was spoken off years after I left the school..

I felt as if I had accomplished something..

I felt as if I had touched the hearts of some..

I felt as if I had influenced and inspired some..

My Little CHILD

Watching many movies, I realised the rapidly increasing rate of divorces among the society and I keep wondering..why are the parents so blind to see the suffering of the children?? Do they not know that their actions affect their children and that the children would be torn between the love of their parents??



I used to be furious with the parents who would rather break-up for the sake of their own comfort without thinking about the 'product of their love'..it is as if they didn't even want to try to make things right..but somehow I managed to see The divorced parents' world from their eyes..



I was very close to this one girl, R, and another, J. We, J and I, would take care of R like our younger sister! We really care for her..but when J and I fell apart, I thought only the blocks in my world were tearing down - I thought only I was affected by this 'irreconcilable difference'..



I tried at many occasions to make things right but they were mere futile attempts. I guess like everything, my attempt to make things right had an expiration date - one that was comparable to a spoilt milk - not something you would want to get into you intestines!



Anyway, while I was gripping with the realities of my 'break-up' (mind you, I'm absolutely straight - but for the purpose of this discussion I'm comparing myself with a married couple), a more sinister event was happening to my Little child R..



She was a collateral damage in our feud..



It was unfair to bring her into the midst of the flames..
It was unfair to keep her in the dark about all that is going on..
And like a small child, I doubt she was able to comprehend the gravity of her "parent's" position..



So, to you, my Little R, I'm sorry for not being able to patch things up and I can't promise we would be like we used to - but I can promise you that I will try..and I will always love like you my little child..

HeartLESS

It IS official! I have been drawn and suck into the sack!! Its is a regular practise to discuss my patient's with daddy. He likes listening to medical stuff and he enjoys discussing cases with me though, he may not understand half of the things I tell him. He always told me to listen to them - the patients - treat them as humans, like family, have more heart..

But today, I knew, I haven't taking heed of the advices given to me..I have 1 week left to complete my logbook and I am way behind!! I only have myself to blame. I know very well that surgery would be heavy but I still took a chance and went back - I didn't regret making that choice but I regret not trying and working harder..

What happened was..I was hunting for a 'testicular swelling' patient
*note my 1st mistake - i hunt based on case! i treat my patient as mere cases!

And we found one, but he was away from his bed. So, we decided to see other potential logbook-fillers while waiting for his return. After 2 hours had lapsed, we went back to find the 'testicular swelling'..

To our relieve, he was there laying very still on his bed - he had just undergone an operation. He was only 28 years old. We thought, for courtesy sake, we would chat with him before pushing his details into our logbook.

As we were talking, i felt something my heart sinking - a tear almost ran down my cheeks.

He cannot walk. He had endured a spinal cord injury 1 year ago (when he was only 27 YEARS OLD!). Since the incident, he had been totally dependent.

Unable to walk; passes urine into a catheterisation bag; passes motion with the help of an enema; an adopted son and only GOD knows how 'supportive' his family is in taking care of him!

And here I am - have functional limbs, a roof above my head, but am worrying about such petty things. I truly am heartless..maybe there was no heart to begin with..

i met JESUS today!

I went to church yesterday and at first I was very much reluctant but luckily I decided to go..Though it was not a sermon from Father, it was good nonetheless..

Uncle Joseph did the communion service and I liked..no,no, LOVED the story he told. I have to write and share this with everyone!

A school boy was walking back home through the park - a route he always takes on his way back from school. It was a cozy Monday afternoon. The sun was bright but the boy had something on his mind.

He was thinking about what his Sunday school teacher had told him the day before - "Jesus is in everyone you meet and so share your things with those around you" rang her words.

As the school boy was walking, he saw an old lady sitting on a bench all alone. He walked up to her and offered her a bar of chocolate. The lady was astounded by the gesture!

After giving her the gift, the school boy began walking back and just then, he stopped at his footsteps and ran back to the old lady. He stood in front of her and gave a big hug. Again, the lady was suprised!

The school boy then left and upon reaching home, his mom noticed a big smile on him and asked "What happened?" And so, the school boy told "Mom, I met Jesus today!I shared my chocolate with Jesus today!"

Back in an old dusty apartment, the old lady returned to attend to her sick sister and her sister asked as to what had made her smile so brightly and the old lady said "Sister, I met Jesus today. He was a lot younger than I thought but I loved Him still and He had put a smile in my heart!"

*Speechless*

After millions of years, I finally went online and made a guest appearance on MSN and within seconds my high school friend contacted me. After 5 long minutes lecturing me about not going online, he told me what he had been waiting to tell me - he was on the verge of breaking up.

WHAT !!!!???? Apparently, my middle man forgot to signal me about this Pentagon issue and I was left in the dark. It was kinda weird for me since I guided him from the fishing phase to the confessing phase. And to see this relationship crumble like a deck of cards is really heart-wrecking.

Believe it or not, some people do not have flings - they put themselves out there because they believe that the person they like is someone important. This friend is one such person. Seeing that I'm extremely emotional together and current situation is in no way helping my mood, just want to set something straight :

1. People give their hearts not to give you the authority to break them - you are supposed to cherish it.

2. Learn to forgive - love gives you the strength to believe that people can change even if that isn't the case in most instances but it won't hurt you to try.

3. Be careful about what you do and what you say. Don't put yourself in a questionable position.

4. Be honest and share your feelings. Both sides would prefer if you can talk about the problem instead of letting it to pile up but don't raise your voice.

5. If you don't want others to do this to you, don't do it to others.

The Larger PICTURE

All my life I was being told of whom to be, of what to do, of what to say but at some point, I just took a step back and thought for a second..Who am I?? What am I doing?? What am I saying?? It suddenly dawned on me that I was nothing more than a robot computed to do as what I was told. If I was to be put on auto-drive, why did GOD give me a brain?? So that it can rot??

Well, I began questioning the world. I rejected if I was told to conform to the norms of this world. I rebelled against those who wanted to make me one of their clones. My methods may not be conventional and I am, actually, ostracised at times but that has never wavered me from who I am. People have begun labelling me as being aggressive. I was hurt, nonetheless, but when I looked back – I wasn’t learning for them – heck! I was doing this for me!

I don’t understand why some people feel threatened by others. Aren’t YOU the one who is supposed to decide whether you want to do something? Say, if you see A talking to a patient and asking the patient about his medical condition, do you feel like clerking the patient because you WANT to or because you are afraid that A learn more things compared to you?

The answer is quite straightforward actually. If you can’t answer this at a glimpse, then, honey, you and I are never going to be on the same page. I am here to learn to be the best that I can, not to be better than anyone. Everyone has their flaws and I would not want to be in anyone else’s shoes. Why should I? And if people, as immature as they can be, want to continue ignoring me like a fly on the wall, so be it! I’m looking at the larger picture! And the painting doesn’t only contain you and me..

Lent 2011

Being in Paediatrics posting has had its perks but since it is the beginning of Lent, I want to relate something happened today. Its my 2011 Lent struggle.

Prof Hans entered the room with a glare (and no, its not from his polished scalp!). He divided us into several small groups - with colleagues outside our 'click' and made us discuss several topics. He spiced up the session by saying that points will be awarded according to groups during presentation and when we are able to answer the questions asked. Fair enough! What other way to make a mute class talk?!

I guess his intentions were at the right place - colleagues in my class will not open their mouths - like mom would say it - as if (they) are hiding gold in the (their) mouth. What was initially an ice-breaker, later turned into frenzy - I felt as if I was in a shop which has declared sale! Everyone were racing to answer the question - well done Prof Hans!

But here is the turn off - it was not just to answer the question - everyone wanted to trample over the other group - to be awarded the highest point. It became really obvious when a presenter shut an audience up point blank and I was stunned! I must say the audience was a tad bit annoying but didn't it defeat the purpose of the whose session??

People said that when you enter Paediatric posting, you gotta blend in with the kids but shouting at each other in front of class and acting like kids?! But this is RI-DICK-ULOUS!!

That was only part of this opening day of Lent - more were to come..
Last time, I used to give everyone the benefit of doubt (innocent until proven otherwise) - I used to think and everyone were nice and lovely people despite my mom's constant reminding that they could be killers and rapers lurking amongst you! I guess if someone did something wrong, I would reason for them and excuse them off their mistakes. How far wrong could I get, I cannot further express..

I guess people are not always what they seem - maybe deep down I knew and I felt it but I just refused to believe it. A friend once told me this - Friends are to use and to be used. I felt so hurt hearing those words - furious even! I used to believe that one person is enough to change the world and we should be the change we want to see. I'm not some Beauty pageant contestant who merely says that she wants world peace and wishes that someday, magically, the world will transform.But I try hard to be at peace with people. All things said, I've only but one conclusion - humans are as stubborn as mules if not more. Who am I kidding? No one is gonna change - people are gonna keep using people and victims are gonna continue getting hurt. So, on this Lent 2011, I officially step down from this purposeless, not to mention, futile crusade. I'm done fighting, its time I grew up and join the world in its nothingness..

All I want for Christmas..

We were packing to leave for Malacca. It was 10.30pm and I was going to hit the deck for I'll be driving tomorrow when Dad's phone rang.

'We are outside the house!' the voice said. It was Auntie Ranee with Uncle David and my 2 cousins - right there at out doorstep. They were around for a short while and soon after left

Anyway, Dad waved them goodbye at the porch while the rest 3 of us just waved our goodbyes from the door. In my defense, it was late!

Just as the car pulled away, the unthinkable happened! I saw Dad bang his leg against the corner stone. Thumbled. I felt myself catch my breath when I saw Dad moved forward loss control of his footing. My heart was too scared to see the fall and my hears wanted to shut the bang. But there was no bang! Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw Dad standing.

Mom shouted praises 'coz if he had fallen, well I don't want to think about it. I've witnessed it many times this year. I don't plan to relive it - my heart won't take it again. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Pat sitepa - I know you will always pray for your best friend!

Thinking now - I realised something. I'm scared. I'm afraid that people I love might be taken away from me. I'm afraid to do the same thing that has led to tragedies. I just want to confess certain things here, Lord :

1. I'm afraid to drive tomorrow.
Jessica drove to Penang last year when Pat sitepa was sick and was about to undergo a major
surgery. I'm driving this year and Dad is gonna undergo a cataract surgery.

2. I'm afraid to check my parents.
I checked my Uncle. Did physical examination on him and he passed away. I'm afraid to check
Dad - afraid I might find things I can't handle.

3. I'm afraid to be too happy.
I love laughing but recently, I laugh heartily then all of a sudden, I get scared and stop. All the
that had happened would rewind and I begin faking my laughs.

I'm afraid Lord, that if I don't change things, the past might repeat itself. Lord, Your coming is suppose to give hope to the mankind that everything has been taken cared of. That You are gonna take away all the pain, all the fear, all the failures, all the sadness. Lord, You know that I love You right? Then, you should know how much a girl loves her dad. 'Coz You are my PAPA. Lord, please take care of Dad. I might look tough and self-sufficient sometimes but You know my heart more than anyone in this world. And You know that my heart is filled with more fear than it used to. I don't mind if I don't get any gift this year or I'll all my presents and offer them to Yoy but promise me that You will take care of my loved ones. That is all I want for Christmas..

Waving our final goodbyes..

I remember being 12 – I’ve just successfully augmented my primary school status and I was going to a prestigious school when the new semester re-opened. I remember that new year’s eve..

It was a tradition for my family to celebrate new year in church – grandma said we should start of the new year with GOD in our life and the year will be blest. But that was a special year – Earth was moving into her new century..

The whole world was worried as to whether at-that-time-not-so-sophisticated computer were able to make the transition from 1999 to 2000 – including my parents – Mom was worried whether her computer were able to recover her insurance clients’ details while Dad was worried whether his virtual blueprints would still be there when he returned to work..I guess everyone in church that day were only physically in church while their minds were wandering off about the respective work..

Not me!! I was there physically and mentally – I remember talking to PAPA..'Where will I be in 10 years time? What would I be doing? How will my life be?’ If I knew then the things I know now, I wouldn’t have asked that question..

I wish I could tell that 12 year-old Jessmine not to think about the future and live in the present..

Today, I received a sad news (again..). My granduncle passed away in Kuantan. When Mom broke the news to me, I went silent. Suddenly, the memories came streaming in. I remember that he used to visit us often. I remember playing London Bridge with him. I remember teasing him for his androgenic male baldness and he me for the 2 empty spaces where my tooth used to be – my tooth grew, can’t say the same for him though. I remember him asking Lin and me to call him London tata..I remember..

I guess I’m glad that he left us memories for us to remember him..

Adventure..

Have you ever felt as if you were made for something bigger – as if there is an adventure out there with you name on it – as if with one turn, your life is gonna take a different route? Some 200 years ago, this wise dude came up with the Existential Theory which states that – perceived void in existence and living is the central concept of chronic anxiety. Basically, what he was trying to say is that – we need to taste freedom and thrill in order to live, or we will feel like a cuckoo bird keyed up in a cage!

I reflect on my orderly scheduled, routine life now and I know that there has got to be more to life. There is more to just studying; more to chasing time; more to completing your assignments! There has got to be more to life! I want to be part of Amazing Race..or want to climb the highest mountain..or want to backpack through the historical cities and discover new people, new story, new experience..

Maybe I'm trying to live in my Disney movies where Princessess meet Princes and they go on a wild magical journey but seriously..if you come to think of it..GOD didn't make us to get all stressed and burnt out right!? I wish I can stumble upon my adventure one day..Maybe waiting for it is half the advneture on its own..

SMILE =)

When we were young, my sister used to enjoy watching National Geographic Channel..She enjoyed staring at animals - don't ask me why!? She is weird! Haha..anyways, I was forced to watch the same channel 'coz if I even so as to think about changing the channel, she will bring the roof down!

Anyways, one day, there was a documentary - this group of scientist (I think they were running out of ideas of what they should research on!) tried to analyse the link between a person's smile and their future..

Their hypothesis went something like this - those with a genuine smile will live a happier life compared to those who don't. It was really interesting..their subjects were high school students from 1950s..They analysed the students' smile based on their yearbook picture and traced each and everyone of them to investigate as to how their lives were..

True enough, those who were genuinely smiling back in the 1950s yearbook picture lead a happier life - INTERESTING RIGHT!!

I was listening to the Charlie Chaplin song, Smile, yesterday and this documentary came to mind..So, just smile even when your life looks bleak and useless..I want to share this beautiful song..

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you Smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by
That's the time (thats the time) you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

What defines me??

This year, I’ve lost everything that has ever meant something to me. I remember this line by Blue which sang “it is funny how life can change, can flip 180 within a matter of days”. Truth is, life is like a rail-road – if derail even an inch, life’s train may course to the other end of the world.
And I know that my train has brought me further than where I was – so far that I can’t seem to find my way back. Everything feels different - like I’m looking from the eyes of a stranger. I feel like I’m changing into a stereotypic zombie everyone wants me to be. I’ve never been a follower – I do things because I believe it is the right thing to do despite what people say.



But recently, I feel that if I don’t change, I’m just going to get fried in this oven – I know that I’m supposed to worry about the Eternal Flame of Hell but it seems easier if I just conform to the world – lose my individuality and let go of all that I’ve stood up for all my life. Sadly, the transformation has begun. Sometimes, I look at the mirror and wonder – what kind of monster am I turning into. I look so different that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Sometimes, I feel like a real plastic.


When I was young, people would ask me – what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would gleefully shout – I want to be a doctor! Now, that my course has been set to be a doctor – I just realised that that isn’t what I want to be. I want to be me – JESSMINE – not anyone else. I don’t want my medical degree to be my identity – instead, I want my MD to just be another talent that I have. I love who I was and I hope I can find that person again..'coz I don't want to be someone I'm not..

Don't LEAD her on!!

I love seeing the good things in people no matter how ugly they are but what breaks my heart are the things man are capable of doing..

I used to think that GOD was really mean when He brought about the Great Flood - when only Noah and his ark's contents survived but thinking back..GOD did the right thing! I can't stand seeing the bad things man are capable of doing anymore..its really heart-wrecking..

I've only been away from KL for 6 weeks and everything is in a mess!! I learnt something really startling that I find hard to digest..

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER DON'T LEAD HER ON!!

I find it that some guys enjoy giving hope to girls..leading them on to believe that they have feelings for their innocent victims! When the girls have fallen for them - they prey on their victims..taking advantage of them in every way possible..

These people just stained my respect for them..I'm extremely careful when choosing friends but I just realised how wrong my jugdement's for people can be..I gave her the go-no go and I'm responsible for what happened to her!

How careful should I be some more?? Why should people be so cruel?? My heart hurts looking at these perverts!! Why LORD!? I feel as if everything has been a lie..LORD, I don't know how to take care of people anymore..Please don't let me give up hope in people, LORD..

SeCrEtS..

When someone entrusts you with a secret, its like giving others the keys to your house. That person has full access to your information and your interior but does that give that person the right to enter YOUR house without YOUR permission??

I understand that there are things we hide from each other from time to time. Some small some collossal..But at some point of time, when we can take it no more, we find refuge in those around us to keep our hidden agendas..An intimate thought, a sweet private message, unacceptable actions - things we want to keep private, we reveal them to people we 'presumably' trust.

What I loathe most is distrust! Some people claim that they told others because they were forced too! So, let me ask you this..Did they put a sword around your neck and unless you tell them they will slaughter your head?? Did they plot a scheme to banish you from your country?? Did they drug you into a state of hynotism that you blurted out everything unconsciously??

Everyone is given a choice..No one is forced to do anything..If you are not capable to keeping the smallest of secrets..let alone Pentagon crisis!! Secret keeping is beautiful cause it brings people closer..to share a bond..Don't ruin it for others..Because of people of you, others refuse to share anything with anyone..and that is just plain sad..Cause they might be keeping a secret they can't keep and not telling it to others might just throw them over the edge..

Sometimes, I wish it is re-spelled as SeCrEtS cause it takes longer time to encrypt then to just blurted it out as secrets!

IT..

It was a trend during primary school for me to change my pencil box every year. They were of different colours, different sizes different designs..in short, no two pencil boxes were the same – wow, now when i think about it, i think the pencil boxes would call me the play girl of pencil boxes! Its a joke! Please laugh! Haha

Then, when i was in standard 5, my parents decided to ‘upgrade’ my pencil box status to a larger size..i mean since i was gonna go to secondary school in a few years and would have to carry more stuff to school. So, they got me a rectangular broad-based, doubled layer Minnie Mouse pencil box..and I LOVED IT SOOOO MUCH!! Of all the four years possessing different pencil boxes, i knew that this pencil box was different..deep down in my heart, i knew that IT was special..

Childish as this may seem, I remember slowly uttering this to IT, “I’ll never let anything happen to you – not a scratch shall befall you, no one would be allowed to open you without my supervision..” (Of course, when I was young, due to limitation in my vocabulary – i simplified and said – no one can touch you except me or ill kill them!!)

And, this Minnie Mouse pencil box took care of me as well..Whenever my day was horrible – afraid that the teacher was gonna scold me for not completing my homework – one look at IT and i would feel happy again. Nothing could make me feel alone since i had my trustful companion beside me!

Then, one day, as i was busy hunting down students who had books way past their library due date, my friend, without my knowledge opened IT and borrowed a pen. Due to her negligence, she dropped IT and IT came crushing down like humpty dumpty, with a gigantic dent on IT’s surface!

I came back to my class and i could see the fearful face of that girl just watching my every move. When my hands touched IT, i knew something had happened. I quickly brought IT out and saw the defect on my-once-perfect IT. Emotions mingled within me and i could feel tears strolling down my cheeks – i was more saddened of the thought that my IT wasn’t the same anymore rather than angry over the perpetrator. My heart crashed to the ground. I remember being extremely quiet that day – no playing after school – instead continued my water works in the back seat of the bus. The rest of 1998, i treated IT the same – i made sure i took extra care when opening IT and sprinkled IT with perfume and kept IT in my collection of pencil boxes till today.

I think – for me to remember this story after so long meant that there was a lesson i was to learn from IT. When you gamble caring for something too much, there are chances that IT might get dented along the way. My challenge would be to not view IT any differently but to continue taking care of IT come whatever. Everyone and everything is flawed, hope im able to look pass that flaw..LORD, help me..

Its a MIRACLE!!

Today was one of those days when I was sulking into self-pity..aish don't ask! Anyway, as I was walking towards ORL department for a 11.30, I recalled the fateful Saturday when my life seemed really bleak..and I told myself that my problems were nothing to what I had been through in the past..'I had paddled through the ferocious storm and survived, I can do this!' I consoled..

Suddenly, his image projected in my mind..I saw him smiling back to me..I could hear him greeting me but I knew he was no more..Then, images of that Saturday flashed like an eerie nightmare..I fastened my pace trying to concentrate on walking instead of thinking of the past..What is done is done..There was nothing I could do anymore..Just got to live with it!!

5 minutes - just in time before the Lecturer closed the door behind me..I took my place in the second row and prepared my mind for another eventless day with potential tragedy awaiting me..I was getting comfortable in my seat when I saw him..and I could feel my face curving into a smile..

I saw my Uncle!! The lecturer looked exactly like him!! His height, his skin colour, his moustache - he even had a sense of humour just like him!! Yes, Prof. Shahid looked like he was wearing a wig but the image just stunned me!!

I knew it was PAPA's funny way cheering me up but HE did it..It really made my day..A tear almost trickled down my cheeks but I refrained..I realised that I don't only see my uncle in those who are sick and helpless but also in those around me who are not in despair..Wanted to tell my parents but I'm afraid it might stir up water-works..I'll keep this to myself..I'm not at home where I can visit him often but I know that if I miss him..I can always visit him in ORL department..

Fatty Died(T.T)

Fatty Fatty Bom Bom,
Curi Curi Jagung..
I'll miss you Fatty..

Half empty, Half FULL

I never understood the idiom : See the cup as half full..
I mean if the cup contains milk (and I HATE milk) I would wish it was half empty right? On the other hand, if it was filled it luscious hot chocolate - hmm, now that's a different story! I would like to see my cup as full and savour every single drop of that chocolate-y flavour..Well, you get the picture..See-ing the cup as half full means to see the good side of things, people or a situation..

Before I made this revelation (about the half full, half empty thing), the Priest told a very interesting story..Mind you, I heard this story when I was in Form 4 and it is still engraved in my mind..Everytime I feel down, I listen this story replay-ing in my mind..

He said,

There was once a married couple who had twin sons. Though they looked the same, their attitudes were at world's ends. The elder son was very pessismistic - he always grumbles and sees the flaws in everything. The younger was totally different - an absolute optimist. Realising this, the parents decided to try 'level'-ing their sons attitude - to make one less pessismistic and make the other less optimistic.
So, for the boys 7th birthday, the parents both them different presents..

First, they brought the eldest son to the barn and gave him a horse. The boy grunted and said 'A horse! But I will have to clean up when he poops! Why are you giving me such a big responsibility on my birthday!?'

They, then brought the younger son to then barn and presented him a poop. The young one said 'A horse's poop!! YEAH!! If there is a horse's poop, there would be a horse somewhere around here!! Thank you Mummy! Thank you Daddy!! I couldn't have asked for anything more!'

Moral of the story is that, we can choose to see a difficulty any way we want to. No matter how big a problem comes, there is always an end to it - we just have to hang on and push forward till we arrive at the end of the road. No matter what happens, I'm gonna try to savour every single drop of that chocolate milk of mine and cherish every single memory of it. GOD bless=)

Trying my BEST..

Priest gave a sermon last Saturday on being different..a topic I've had had with a close friend recently..

Priest said about being different..
taking a stand in everything you say and do..
being firm in your principles..
to keep your head held high when others mock you..

Then, later that Saturday, I watched this advertisement on Cancer and how we could make a difference..

We always talk about how we can change the world with a small gesture of kindness..gesture to make a difference..but should we not change ourselves before changing the world??

I know that I'm not perfect and I will always make mistake..but 1 thing I can help about my weakness is that I can try to be perfect and should never settle anything less..

So, I want to change..People say if you make mistake once, you can be forgiven, but if you repeat your mistake, you a are fool..

I've lost many battles in my life - battles which I thought I can fight another time but each time, the battle changes..the strategies change..but not this time..I might lose again but then again - I might just win..

I've lost many people in my life due to my lack of fighting - that is something I want to change..a change I want to adopt to becoming a better person.

This time, I'm gonna mends things with people close to me - I'll try my best to be a good person and I'm sorry for all the things I may have done unknowingly but I'll try to be on my best behavior..If I feel as though that someone is straying away, I try to struggle and pull them back..

PAPA, I'll try..